Life's harder as a disabled person, no doubt about it. You do have to be gritty. And you have to be a bit daring. In her book Mindfulness, the American psychologist Ellen J. Langer wrote that we tend to stare if somebody is different than we expect them to be. We all do it; it's a reflex. And the next reflex is to feel embarrassed, so we look away. I found myself on the receiving end of this, and it was hurtful. Langer's theory was that if I found a way to give people permission to look, then they could do so without feeling embarrassed. So I dyed my hair purple, a big purple streak. It was magical. Suddenly people were coming up to me and saying, "Wow, I love your hair." It transformed everything.
That connection with people - community - is supremely important. Everyone wants to feel connected and useful.
When I was a special-needs teacher, I felt I had a purpose. And I knew I wanted to get back to something close to what I'd done before, to help people somehow. Taking the program at UVic had been so helpful for me that I decided to become a program leader. I achieved that and more: I now have a job with a stroke mentoring program. I am so thrilled; it's my first paid job in my new life.
Another thing I'm proud of is starting the Vancouver Younger Stroke Survivors peer support group. I didn't have a support network. Other stroke support groups are very much geared to older people. When you have a stroke, you're suddenly surrounded by men in their seventies. I found myself thinking, Is this my peer group?
My group held our first monthly meeting in April 2006. We now have about 30 members, including people in their twenties. We talk about those things that aren't understood by others or would be too frightening for those close to us to hear: our depression, fears and feelings of humiliation. We share our triumphs, too. It's been wonderful to talk freely and to know you're not alone, and that it does get better.
A final surprise is how grateful I feel. Not only for my family, my children, my husband and John's son, Bram, but for my new life. I would never have believed that I would go on to live such a fulfilling life. Full and fulfilling.
First published in Chatelaine's February 2008 issue.
© Rogers Publishing Ltd.
