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Social networking and break-ups

Posted Tue, Jun 30, 2009
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The New York Times' Social Q's had this question:

 "I was completely distraught during a breakup with my ex-boyfriend, when my girlfriend told me she would cut off all ties with him. But they are still "friends" on Facebook, and when I confronted her about it, she shrugged it off as if it was no big deal. I said I was extremely hurt; she never responded. Now I am annoyed every time I see her. Am I overreacting, or is she a self-serving friend?"

 Friends around a computer (Gettyimages.com)Social Q's response was basically "deal" but when I read the question, my first thought was, "Are you 12?" Then my second thought was, "Why do you care if your friend is still Facebook friends with your ex? You all friended each other."

Thanks to social networking, dating is no longer just between you and your partner (and your best friends since you tell them everything). It's between you, your partner, your Facebook friends, your tweeps (twitter followers) and your blog friends' list. Opening up your relationship that much means everyone can have an opinion on your failed relationship instead of just you, your girlfriends and the multiple rounds of cocktails, rage, swearing and tears. (substitute cocktails for cake, chocolate, exercise, etc.)

So when you and your partner break-up, you have no right to demand that your friend defriend your ex on Facebook. Besides, these days just because you have a friend on facebook doesn't mean you're actually friends with them. Instead, why not take the high road and defriend your ex without the ridiculous "it's complicated" status which always seems to say, "I really want you to ask me what's going on because I want to be the centre of my own little drama and I'm taking you along for the ride. Ask me, ask me, ask meeeeeee!"

Someone has to be the adult in the relationship. Besides, if your facebook friend is really your friend, she'll be there for you outside the social network cybersphere.

Just don't ask her to stalk your ex for you.

So when you break up with someone, do you think it's reasonable to ask your friends to defriend your ex?

-- Renee 

 

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13 Comments

  • 1. Posted by Kristin on Thu, Jul 02, 2009

    No it's not cool. It's not like they talk. And if they do, whatever, right? My b/f cheated on me with 6 of my friends, [profane] happens...

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  • 2. Posted by nh on Thu, Jul 02, 2009

    We can all really be friends with whomever we want, but really... After a break-up, all of the hurt and pain that comes along with it, do we really need our best friends still talking to the guy that just caused us so much frustration and pain? All that does is opens up doors for resentment towards that friend, and plants the fear that that friend may be going behind your back and either talking to your ex about you, or doing something "else" with him. Also, it's a bit creepy when that ex only added your friends because you were dating, but then keeps them on HIS list after the break up, and then uses those friends to somehow stay in contact with you. In the end of it though, it really depends on the relationship. You can rant and rave all you want about how the person's acting "12".... But until you're in that specific situation where it's actually causing you problems having your ex remain in some form of contact with your friends, your opinions can't quite apply to the situation. Personally, I'm not the type of "friend" that keeps contact with my best friend(s) exs after they break up. Alternately, I don't think I'd like to have those types of "friends" in my life either. I think it's best that if you no longer want that person in your life, cut the ties you have. It will only pro-long the pain and cause distrust among friends.

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  • 3. Posted by noeffects83 on Thu, Jul 02, 2009

    abSOLUTEly not! 100% not ok. you should choose your friends by what you like about them, not by who's friends with them. honestly that is such a 12 year old thing....like stated in the article: SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE ADULT IN THE RELATIONSHIP. if the guy did a total [profane] move then that sucks for the girl. big time. her friends can decide if what happened was a bad enough quality in the guy to not be friends with him anymore. if a girl demands that her friends defriend her ex, in most cases shes a very controlling insecure girl. nobody has the right to decide who you are friends with.

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  • 4. Posted by Shaylaina on Thu, Jul 02, 2009

    It's true that a lot of people on facebook aren't 'friends' per say. They are in a friend's list but people add people. I feel that life is too short not to keep a friend if you found one. I dated when I was single, it didn't always work, Doesn't mean I don't like that person, it means that we were too different. I met some very nice people whlie dating and I consider them a friend. So what we dated, it didn't work out but it doesn't mean they are a horrible person. I did date a person who really isn't nice and even he is still on my friends, but I don't have any contact with him at all. "It's complicated" is not asking for attention. That's crazy. It was really complicated for awhile for me and my ex. No one asked me why or what it was about and I didn't want anyone to, it's just the way it was at the time. Actually had people sympathize with comments like "I hate when that happens" or "been there myself" We didn't share each other's stories. It happens often for young and even us older folks. Keep what friends you have if it's what you want to do, it's your life and it doesn't last that long. If it's complicated, that's ok, nothing much in life is black and white.

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  • 5. Posted by theoriginalspy on Fri, Jul 03, 2009

    Unless the break up was particularly nasty, and the ex is mostly at fault, then no. If your friends will only stay your friends because they determine who you can and cannot talk to, then why are they your friends.

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  • 6. Posted by Mintak on Sat, Jul 04, 2009

    It's great to take the high road when it hasn't actually happened to you and you're just offering your opinion, sure there are a lot things that should be done in this world but the reality is that they are not, such as no more war, no more famine okay wait let me write it and TADA, there os no more war or hunger . Come on, let's get real and offer some advice that we ourselves would actually follow. If your boyfriend and friend became friends because of you and the break up was not exactually mutual then she should definetly de-friend him. What are friends for if not to take your side. Now if your friend was friends with him prior to you then unfortunately your short out of luck.

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  • 7. Posted by suburbiancivilian on Sat, Jul 04, 2009

    I personally think if my buddy was talking to my ex g.f after we broke behind my back after he said he would take her off his friends list that is kinda suspect...It doesnt mean she is insecure. I'd feel the same way...

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  • 8. Posted by Not a Kicker on Sat, Jul 04, 2009

    Wow, people actually think being a "friend" on facebook means something, being on a "friend" list in facebook is like being in someones address book, doesn't really mean much. I've got tons of numbers in mine that I never call, and if a friend of mine got upset because I had their ex's number on my cell, I'd prob delete it, but I would think they're acting like an immature 12 year old.

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  • 9. Posted by redspice on Sat, Jul 04, 2009

    I'm sorry, but I guess I'm the kind of person who sticks up for my friends. If my gf or guy friend had a bad relationship with someone and deleted them from their Facebook, it's probably for a good reason. So, if I had that same 'evil' person on my Facebook, life will go on if I delete them, too. Why do I need them? It's not like they are important to me. My friend is the one who's important to me.

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  • 10. Posted by kiwihelen on Sun, Jul 05, 2009

    Much and all as I hate some of my facebook friends being "friends" with my ex and his now wife who he left me for, the other choice is to not be friends with them. They are grown-ups, they have a relationship with those other people separate from me. I know what a nasty piece of work this woman is, and how much of an ass my ex was, and by demanding friend loyalty I would be just lowering myself to their level. But believe me, I am very careful what I say on open board, if something is important it goes by email or snail mail to those I really care about.

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  • 11. Posted by mirage77 on Mon, Oct 19, 2009

    If an ex was bad to a friend of mine, I would delete him from my friend's list and if it happened to me I would expect my close friends to do that too. How is it okay for a friend to still have your ex as a friend if they're not actually really friends and he was an idiot? Friends should stick up for friends.

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  • 12. Posted by soulfulsynthya on Mon, Oct 19, 2009

    Funny how this article resurfaced... kind of like that 'bad' "friend" on Facebook...... Really you rule your own world (with God's help of course) and you can choose to be bitter, and only be destroying yourself.. Or choose joy and delete the crappy friends on facebook!

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  • 13. Posted by anthonypapotto on Mon, Oct 19, 2009

    After reading this article ,and reading each and every ones comments WOW, way to much hateing going on if a failed relationship or failed friendship learn from it and moved on choose your relations much carefully , thats all .

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