While it's probably a little presumptuous for someone to reveal their deepest, darkest fantasy on a first date, at what point do you reveal to a partner that you might be up for something a little kinky? Certainly, the longer you're with someone, the deeper into routine you fall and the tougher it becomes to tell your partner you'd like to push your sexual limits. What if you reveal something you'd like to try and your partner thinks you're a freak or a pervert and leaves you? Yes, sharing fantasies is delicate work requiring tact and sensitivity:
- Find an appropriate time to reveal fantasies. I find long car rides are good for this, as are walks in the park, on the beach, in the country — any neutral, relaxed environment that allows you to ask questions, swap fantasies and reveal inhibitions without fearing you'll be laughed out of bed. It's best to be somewhere quasi-private, as well, in case you suddenly feel inspired to act out the discussion. Unless, of course, public sex is one of your fantasies.
- Never force a sexual fantasy on a partner. After all, sexual compatibility is not always guaranteed, especially when you get into some of the more fancy stuff. If you're not into something your partner is, all you can do is try to accept this, and — if your partner's particular kink isn't a total turn-off — indulge him once in awhile and hope he will return the favour.
- When venturing into new territory and taking a lover with you, respect is paramount. If you absolutely can't handle you're partner's sexual kinks, they have to respect that and decide if they can live without them.
- Communication is essential. Check in regularly to make sure you're both okay physically and emotionally, and take things slow, stopping whenever either of you feels uncomfortable or ridiculous.
- If you're intimidated by new things, start with something really simple like a blindfold. By taking away one sense, you'll feel the others more acutely. A blindfold also allows you to play with power, as one partner has the benefit of sight. If you get freaked, all you have to do is push the blindfold up.
- Realize that reality sometimes doesn't live up to fantasy. The thought of being in a threesome may excite you, but the reality of it might be threatening, or might make you feel silly or scared.
- There are certain fantasies you probably shouldn't reveal to anyone but your psychiatrist, such as those involving family members, children, dead people or animals. I'd also suggest you avoid revealing fantasies that involve anyone hotter than your partner, especially if he or she is your partner's best friend.
Try this "yes/no/maybe" exercise if you and your partner want to expand your sexual horizons. Write down every sexual activity you've heard of, whether it sounds fun or gross or whatever. Don't censor yourselves. Then, using different coloured pens, each of you mark a Y, N or M beside each item on the list to indicate your comfort level with that activity. Now you've got a game plan. Those activities that got a "yes" from both of you are a go, those that got a "maybe" from either of you get discussed, and those that got a "no" from either of you get crossed off the list.
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