Why can't we just talk about it?

It's usually easier to communicate your needs in bed if you're both comfortable talking about sex out of bed. But even for couples that claim to be able to talk about 'everything' sex is often not something they discuss on any regular basis.

It's no coincidence that money and sex are the biggest relationship busters. They're also the two subjects we avoid most in relationships. Just as couples run into conflict over money because they've never discussed their spending habits or they've hidden debt from each other, they often don't know each other's sexual secrets either.

And I don't mean the fact that he secretly likes to wear women's underpants or that she moonlights as a dominatrix (though, these would be good secrets to reveal if they did exist). Most of us don't know much about our partner's sexual personality, what they like, what they don't, what they learned about sex growing up, what they are curious about.

Culturally, we learn that sex is not something you talk about it. It didn't get talked about growing up and, consequently, many adults are uncomfortable talking to their children about it. Most of us are even uncomfortable talking to our doctor about it (I know, I get the letters. If you're penis is covered in red bumps or you're experiencing funky discharge, don't write me, go see your doctor people!).

While women may talk to their girlfriends and guys may swap stories will their buddies we're often most uncomfortable sharing information with the person we're actually having sex with. This is partly out of fear but also partly because we are led to believe that sex isn't something that needs to be talked about. It should just be a natural, automatic part of a relationship.

And, at the beginning of most sexual relationships, when sex is new and exciting, you often don't need to talk about it. You're too busy doing it. Which means by the time there are things to talk about (and it's pretty much inevitable that sex will become an issue in one way or another at some point in the relationship), you have no precedent to rely upon. You don't know how to bring it up. You don't know what to say. You're afraid to open a can of worms so you both just keep the lid on and say nothing. And get resentful. Or bored. Or frustrated. Or you cheat.