Family affair

A colleague of mine recently sent a UK's Times Online article in which a woman confesses she slept with her brother for years and didn't feel guilty or traumatized by it. All in all, she writes, it was a positive experience and she and her brother, while they no longer have a sexual relationship, remain extremely close.

It's a brave and, yes, uncomfortable confession. After all, sibling incest isn't exactly popular dinner party conversation material.

The one time I heard any real discussion on the subject was at the annual sexuality conference in Guelph where Dr. Dennis Kimberly Memorial University of Newfoundland professor presented a seminar on it.

Unlike the Times' woman's rosy tale, Kimberley doesn't believe there is such a thing as a healthy sexual relationship between siblings She believes that even a one-time occurrence can cause psychological damage (about one-third of sibling incest cases are one-time occurrences) but that real problems develop when the activity continues for months or even years.

The Times woman begs to differ: 'Incest is so often spoken about in the same breath as abuse, but if you're close in age and equal in relationship terms then it's entirely different,' she writes. 'Of course abuse happens, but it can happen in any sexual relationship and there's an expectation that a family member would never hurt you in the way that someone else could.'

She also admits it's a much different when it's a case of an adult relative forcing a younger family member to do things they neither understand nor want to be involved in.

In fact, Kimberley cited horrible cases in which parents had taught their kids to have sex with each other for their own gratification. In one case, the parents filmed their kids having sex and invited others to watch. The brother and sister obliged, ironically, as a way to bond through the horror of it.

Not all cases of sibling sex are quite so gut wrenching. Sometimes, it happens innocently as with one young man who had sex with a schoolmate only to find out the girl was his sister from his father's secret affair. And in some cultures, it's not unusual for brothers and sisters to sleep together and learn about sex from each other, explained Kimberley. Go online and you'll find plenty of chat rooms and support groups for consenting sibling sexual relationships. Some even believe it's an orientation, much like homosexuality, and encourage practitioners to 'come out of the closet.'

The problem with this analogy, said Kimberley, is that beyond the risks of inbreeding (supporters claim the risks of genetic defects are exaggerated, and in the Times' woman's case she says they were adamant about using contraception) and the social taboo, human family bonds are much different than the bonds we create with non-family members. As a result, the risks of post-trauma and psychosexual problems from an ongoing sexual relationship with a sibling are much greater.

I'm sure this is true in many cases. I just can't help wonder if there's any wiggle room. I'm not promoting sex between siblings, I just worry that by painting people's out-of-the-norm sexual experiences with one broad assuming stroke, we risk causing other types of psychological damage, the kind that comes with years of society-imposed guilt, shame and silence.

To read the Times article go to: http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article4332635.ece

For more information and resources about sibling incest visit Survivors of Sibling Sexual Abuse online at: www.sasian.org