Spreading the love

I've always said that, having grown up in a family of eight kids, I've done my sharing time, and the idea of sharing my partner has always been something I simply can't imagine. I do admire those who can, if only for the very fact that I think its better to be honest about these desires than running around cheating on each other, which is what most people do. That said, I don't think that as soon as you're bored with your partner, it's okay to go out and sleep with other people as long as you tell each other. Long-term relationships are hugely challenging, and yes, sometimes sexually boring. Keeping things exciting is as big a challenge as deciding to share the love.

But people do manage to share successfully. I've met several of them. Ironically, the key seems to be that you must already have an excellent relationship in which you're both extremely secure and able to communicate about everything. And I mean everything. Venturing into this territory is like entering a field of landmines and you're never sure what's going to set something off. You need to really know yourself and your limitations and be able to vocalize them, anytime, anywhere. You need to be able to talk - then talk some more. If you're considering an open relationship, be prepared to do some research before simply running out to a swingers club and jumping the bones of the first couple who bat their eyelashes at you.

In fact, if you're looking to get more than just physical, and also enjoy emotional relationships outside the marriage, polyamoury might be your thing, i.e., the practice of having more than one type of relationship outside of your primary one. This biggest challenge I've heard from practicing polyamourists (besides not finding time to do their laundry between juggling relationships) is that there is no model to work from so you have to make your own rules. Which is why it's so important that everyone involved have his or her head together. In fact, one polyamourist I know insists all her lovers and partners have therapists. And yes, jealousy is a big issue.

But, according my polyamourist pal, while jealousy never stops being an issue, it stops being such an overwhelming issue. If you really look at jealousy, she explains, unless the person is messing with your head and intentionally trying to make you jealous, the source it usually something deep inside you. "It creates a knee-jerk reaction that is usually about stuff from when you're really young, like abandonment or betrayal," she explains. "It can be paralyzing and trigger anger or sadness, or cause you to shut down. But if you can work through it, you can usually get over it and enjoy a wealth of healthy love in your life." Come to think of it, plenty of people, monogamous or not, could stand to benefit from doing some of the extra work polyamourists have to do to make their relationships work. And yes, it is work, my friend assures me.

Which is probably why so many people would rather fall blindly into monogamy and just cheat on each other instead. More and more people are finding that monogamy is simply not a good fit and are trying to figure it another way to go about things. You can find many of them on-line at polyamory.org. And if you're looking for some reading material to help you out, The Ethical Slut is an excellent book on the subject of sharing. Have you ever had or considered an open relationship? Do you think they can work?