The road to self-rediscovery

Getting dumped sucks. Getting over it sucks harder and is best done in stages:

Stage #1: Wanting to get even

This is a volatile stage. Be careful. Enjoy your anger while it lasts. Just don't act on it. This isn't high school. Instead, chant "scum sucking pig" quietly throughout the day and fantasize about what you would do to him if you were still in high school.

Stage #2: Denial and release

Better known as the "bury it in booze" stage. Go out and party your brains out if you must. Just stay away from the real hard stuff and listen to your body when it's screaming surrender. We're after release, not total annihilation.

Stage #3: I-can't-go-on detox

This is when it hits full force and you must cry at all times. In the shower, in the subway, in line at the supermarket. You must also spend a lot of time in bed crying and listening to hurtin' music.

Stage #4: Relapse

After detox, you may find yourself wanting a fix. If you simply must call him, don't. When you break down and finally do call him, don't try to convince him to get together. When you do convince him to get together, don't sleep with him, at least not more than once or twice. But don't beg... too much.

Stage #5: Help, I'm alone

Once humiliation and feeling completely pathetic and sorry for yourself has run its course, a general state of panic sets in because you realize you actually have to do this being-alone thing. This stage involves some new humiliation because you have to call up those girlfriends you've been ignoring because you've been enjoying being treated like crap. Also included in this stage is a world that suddenly seems to have been taken over by nauseatingly happy couples everywhere you go, along with constant reminders of him. Fun, fun, fun.

During this time you will receive much solicited and usually much more unsolicited words of comfort and advice. Between the sensitive "Get a lifes" and the cliché "There's lots more fish in the sea," a few gems will hopefully slip in, and may even make their way into your brain, like: "You deserve better." Cliché, yes, but self-affirming. You need all you can get at this point. It's the only way to get to....

Stage #6: Rediscovery of self

This stage is usually signified by a drastic haircut or a fabulous new outfit. Anything that makes you look absolutely irresistible will do. A good test to see if you're really here is to then "turn up" looking fabulous somewhere you know your dumper will be. Walk by, flip a casual hello and smile over your shoulder. But be sure you're genuinely on your way to recovery or you may experience relapse. Especially if you show up and he's with someone new. Be warned! That sudden urge to run him over with a truck is only your ego getting revved. Don't let it convince you to do foolish things, like grab the first man who walks by and thrust your tongue down his throat.

If you get through this stage, recovery is within reach.

And if you're really mature, you may even want to begin attempts to become friends with your dumper, that is, if there really was something you liked about him in the first place.