Abandoning your abandonment issues

I must confess, in the past, I've experienced a certain type of relationship pattern--meet someone, enjoy extreme intensity for about three months, start to think this is the real deal, only to have the guy start pull back--that many other women have told me they too have experienced. When this would happen, I would find myself wondering what was wrong with guys, blaming them for being emotionally crippled, fearing commitment, and all the other great excuses and rationalizations I came up with for why a guy would abandon a seemingly awesome relationship with a fantastic gal like me.

Then, I finally came to a realization. The one thing that was consistent in every single one of these relationships was me. I realized that, even if the entire male population was faulty (something I also realized was pretty unlikely), I wasn't about to go changing anyone else. So next time when, predictably, at about the three-month mark, things shifted from that initial unsustainable intense bliss and tried to settle into something more manageable on a day-to-day basis, I didn't freak out that he was pulling away and start looking for reassurance that he was still into me, making the guy wonder what happened the seemingly normal, confident, secure person he was so into. Instead, I reassured myself that I was worthy of this and that if he wasn't into it, he was free to go. Ironically, it was this newfound confidence, at least in part, that made this guy stay. I'm now married to him. So, rather than focusing on the other person's behaviour and the availability of his or her emotions, next time someone's totally into you and things are going well, pay closer attention to your own behaviour and reactions. After all, you are the only part of the equation you get to be the boss of.

The other bit of advice I'd add to this is that part of the problem for so many of us is that in the early stages of a relationship, people don't listen to each other. We think we're listening, but usually, when we make that kind of intense connection with someone, we quickly skip ahead and are too busy engaging in an inner dialogue about your wonderful future together and whether or not you would still be attracted to his oddly shaped yet charming nose 20 years from now to focus on whether or not the two of actually get along. And then, if you do start dating, this inability to listen often extends into the relationship. Like when he says he has a hard time getting close, what we hear is: Once he falls madly in love with me, he will overcome his fear of getting close and everything will be fine. But we'd be much better off if we believed him and moved on. Unfortunately, it's just so much more tempting to hear what you want--to expect the person to live up to what we decided we heard and then blame everything on them when they don't.