Talking dirty

Talking dirty is a great way to explore fantasies and discover your limits and desires. It can also keep things going at a nice clip once you're more involved. And screaming out nasties in the heat of the moment is a great way to introduce yourself to the neighbours.

But talking dirty is a bit like talking about sex in public. Some people are comfortable with it than others. Some get off on talking, the raunchier the better. Still others prefer things silent, allowing them to enjoy sex as a purely physical sensation... or they're just big-time shy.

Obviously our verbal skills in bed are also determined by our moods, our level of comfort with a person (or with ourselves), how randy we are and how competent any given lover is.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Flattery or words of encouragement are good. Just make sure you're honest. You don't want to tell him how hot his cunnilingus style is when it bores you to tears. You'll be stuck with it.
• One-night stands can be a good time to test-drive your verbal skills because there is less at stake. Mind you, if you're already shy, scoring one-night stands might be a bit of a problem.
• Don't get too analytical when talking dirty. Let's face it, sex vocabulary is limited. Stick to four-letter words.
• On the other hand, no need to regress. Baby talk is not hot!

One great way to practise talking dirty is to do it over the phone. Phone sex is an obvious way to stay intimate when you're physically separated, but it's also good practise for telling your partner what you like and for discovering his turn-ons. It usually makes things even hotter when you do finally get your grubby little hands all over each other.

The biggest challenge with phone sex, however, is getting over the "I feel ridiculous" hump. Unless we've worked as phone-sex operators, most of us don't know where to begin. "What are you wearing?" gets a little tired. Well, lucky for you, I've spoken to a few phone-sex operators over the years. Here are some of their suggestions to get you going:

• Set the mood just as you would if you were together — candles, nice lighting, a glass of wine.
• Use a lot of sweet talk and a soft, low voice. Focus on each other. Tell your partner wonderful things about his body — what you like about the way it looks, the way it smells, the way it reacts to your touch.
• Use a lot of detail, which those in the professional phone-sex business emphasize is distinct from just being explicit. Describe exactly what you see happening in your mind in minute detail, and get all the senses involved.
• If your imagination isn't up to it, describe a particular hot session you've had together in the past. Describe what you liked about it.
• Use sound effects. Here's your chance to perform. Give him your best blowjob imitation, gags and all.
• If you don't want your phone sex life to become predictable, try reading to each other from a sexy book.
• To avoid cauliflower ear and a kink in your neck, consider investing in a headset.