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My best friend's guy

Posted Tue, May 27, 2008
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With all the people out there, why do so many of us feel the need to recycle our friends' dates? Life is not a TV soap opera where everyone has to sleep with someone else's ex because there are only so many characters to go around. Dating a friend's ex is like eating off someone else's plate. Order your own damn food!

And I don't care if your friend did the dumping. I still think it's in poor taste to go after a friend's ex, even if he or she broke things off. After all, do you think she dumped the guy so she could have him back in her face, and sleeping with one of her girlfriends to boot?

There are few people worth losing a friend over, which is usually what happens if you sleep with a friend's ex. (For the record, it's also extremely ill-mannered for an ex to sleep with any of your friends after the two of you break up.) But let's be realistic. While I think it's only considerate to at least try to fish in another pond after a break-up, we can't always (or don't always want to) control who we fall in love with or even fall into bed with. Given how tough it is to meet people, the folks we already know (even if they did date our best friend) often get pushed to the front of the line.

If you're hell-bent on dating a friend's ex, there are more tactful ways to go about it than getting caught shagging in the linen closet at a party. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

  • How long has it been since the break-up? Obviously, the longer it's been, the more he or she's over it, and - in theory, at least — the more acceptable it is for you to move in.
  • How nasty was the break-up? The nastier it was, the less chance there is your friend will want their ex anywhere near their life.
  • Are you willing to risk losing a friend by dating their ex?
  • If the attraction is purely physical, is a one-night romp worth jeopardizing a friendship?
  • Would you be willing to talk to your friend about your attraction to their ex first and see how they feel about it? Maybe they're be cool with the two of you dating (it does happen), and you can follow your heart guilt-free.

Have you ever gone after a friend's ex? How did things work out?

  • 1. Posted by dirtnsquirt@rogers.com on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I do not date any of my friend's ex's. It is an even bigger moral obligation to me personally than not killing another human being. I do not even date my friend's sisters.... Although my best friend said that is ok.... He doesn't have a sister for the record.

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  • 2. Posted by lauralion on Tue, May 27, 2008

    why would anyone date a friends ex? that's totally against the rules! (siblings and step siblings included) even if a friend says it's ok it's not. they will be hurt emotionally and may not tell you that they don't like the idea of you dating their ex.

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  • 3. Posted by CP on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Why would you WANT to date a friends ex? Sloppy 2nd's? For the record, the reason why they broke up is more than likely the same reason you'll break up too. It's a no-no in my books.

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  • 4. Posted by H on Tue, May 27, 2008

    GO for it! If your friend and her ex didn't work out, they were not meant to be. Only insecure friends will really have a problem with this. My sister dated my ex when I moved overseas for a year - yes, I found it a bit odd that he was at my house when I called home, but if it makes my sister happy and him happy then I wish them the best of luck! I have many exes that I sincerely hope find their soul mate - if it happens to be someone I know, good luck to them both. If wishing negative thoughts or jealous thoughts on your friend/ex makes you feel good, you are not mature enough yet to find your own soulmate. Wishing others ill or being jealous will never help you find love. If love with an ex of yours makes your sister or friend truly happy, why as a friend/sister wouldn't you support them?

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  • 5. Posted by gary_saunders@rogers.com on Tue, May 27, 2008

    It is a unwritten law...never date a friends ex!You wouldn't like it if it was your ex and believe me neither will they.

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  • 6. Posted by Furry on Tue, May 27, 2008

    First off, you have to judge for yourself if your friend is really over their ex. Is the wound still fresh? If so, FORGET IT. If not, and you think your friendship is strong enough, the very least you can do is broach the subject with him/her first. Best friends (both of them) will see the big picture, and if there's any doubt, don't risk it.

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  • 7. Posted by Steve on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I still hook up with my best friend's ex without telling him.. even after he threatening to end our friendship if I ever did.

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  • 8. Posted by ste.phy.poo on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I'm kinda in this position.My friend broke up with her boyfriend today, and I've always thought he was cute.What should I do!?

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  • 9. Posted by Len on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I kind of sit in both camps. It is not good to date your friend's ex, period since it will add stress to that friendship. It would be particularly bad to pursue the ex; however, we can't always choose how things unfold and who we are attracted to. Let's face it, you probably already are aquainted with your friend's ex and that ice breaking with new compatible people is far too rare for some reason. I think in the end, it's not a matter of right or wrong but only fate since if you're attracted to someone and you know they're attracted to you, not much is going to stop it from happening. That's reality.

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  • 10. Posted by nicholasmcgr... on Tue, May 27, 2008

    My ex asked out a friend of mine 2 weeks after we broke up, i havent talked to either of them in 3 montsh

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  • 11. Posted by Mermaid on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I don't see why there should be a rule in this matter. All is fair in love and war. If you go after your friend's ex than be prepared to be dumped by your friend because he or she may resent you for doing it. But the truth is the two have broken up and breaking up means breaking up, fini. You no longer have the right to limit that person's love life. Yes, there's a grieving period but regardless, the other person is a free lover to roam where they please even if that means straight into the arms of your ex.

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  • 12. Posted by Harkins on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I'm dating my bst friend's ex. We all still get along great.

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  • 13. Posted by courtshockey... on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I dated my friend's ex. Apparently he was in love with her and proposed at one point. But without knowing that, I engaged in a great relationship with his ex. Our relationship has turned into a 13 month and continuing relationship. I'm not friends with the guy whom she previously dated, but that's his choice, and he is kinda crazy anyway ...or maybe she's just poisoned my thoughts towards it. This article was so ironically amusing as it's so ridiculously accurate, it's scary. I'm totally that other guy though. The one everyone hates. Which is funny, cause I'm actually a really great guy :D

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  • 14. Posted by l.zhuzheva on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I will probably be in a minority here but I fully support the idea of dating friend's exes.....in fact, I am dating my neighbour's ex and have never been happier. If they already broken up, why can't I date him if we both have a chemistry??? Life is too short to live it by the rules.....stupid rules which were made by us....I live by one rule only -- not to kill....anything else is possible and I don't care what insecure people will say or think, it is their problem.

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  • 15. Posted by rosie on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I completly agree with this, recently i had a friend do this to me exactly. i wish she had talked to me before hand so i could have told her i wasn't okay with it. The guy and I dated for a long time and had a pretty serious relationship and the end was messy. I was still in love with him when this happened. maybe she'll read this article

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  • 16. Posted by saief on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I broke up with my girl friend like 1 year a go. I am trying my best to go out with her best friend, who feel am attracted too. I don’t know why there should be rule if we can’t date friend ex’s, as we all know everything is fair in love and war. All the guys and girls out there! If your thinking go out with BF/GF friends ex. GO HEAD DON’T WAIT.

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  • 17. Posted by mae on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Yup, my friend dated my ex. She brought him over to our associations' Christmas party (hell! I didn't know it was coming) and they had sex after that (according to my loser ex-bf). Two weeks after he wanted me back. I almost threw up. No way Jose!

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  • 18. Posted by clutter_bugz on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I was the one who initially set up my best friend and him, they dated a couple years, didn't work out, a year or so after that he and I were both single and it's now 13 years and 2 children later. The best friend is out of the picture for the past 7, but not because of him. She was angry and bitter at first, but she was ultimately that way with everything (she had the poor me syndrome). I have no regrets, would do it all over again in a heart beat :0)

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  • 19. Posted by crescenttsuki on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I've never gone out with a friend's ex, but I'm the ex that a friend went out with. So far as I've ever seen my ex doesn't mind me dating my current boyfriend. In fact, my ex had known I'd had a thing with him previously, so when I started talking to him again, I introduced the two of them and they're getting along just fine still. Though, that could've been bad for me as I'm not too particularly fond of my ex now! XD But it's unfair to say "Oh my gods, dump your friend!" in any manner.

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  • 20. Posted by just me on Tue, May 27, 2008

    People need to find their own gf's or bf's. I understand that "people don't come with ownership papers" but friends are far more important getting it on with that friend's sloppy seconds. Seriously, find your own one to date, not one that your friend has already had. Yuck ... if someone dated my ex (if it was serious relationship) that person wouldn't be my friend any longer. Have some respect for friendships! Losers date their friends ex's.

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  • 21. Posted by Mohsen G on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Im in that position right now. my best friend is dating my ex and whenever he is on the phone talking to her I feel somethings burning inside me and I just cant take it anymore....I wish not only him but people like him also get into the same situation to actually understand how it feels.

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  • 22. Posted by DaMa on Tue, May 27, 2008

    It is all a matter of perspective I guess. I am fifty-six and see absolutely nothing wrong with a friend dating my ex. If they are much happier together, then I say all the best to them. Once my relationship is over then why would it matter to me. It has happened to me and the friend who ended up with my ex. is still my friend and the ex. is gone from her life now. We both are better off without him, but I am thankful we are still friends after all these years.

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  • 23. Posted by Lola on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I had broken up with a guy and about 6 months later my friend asked me if it would be ok if she dated him. She explained her feelings for him and that she wouldn't pursue him if I had problems. I really appreciated her coming to me before anything happened. He and I were not all that close so I told her to go ahead. They have been together for 2 and a half years now and we all get along great.

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  • 24. Posted by The Judge on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I think everyone needs some love, if you had treated him/her better maybe they wouldn't be ex's. By limiting your friends happy ness are you bing a friend. Or are you just scared willys a little smaller?

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  • 25. Posted by DaMa on Tue, May 27, 2008

    It is all a matter of perspective I guess. I am fifty-six and see absolutely nothing wrong with a friend dating my ex. If they are much happier together, then I say all the best to them. Once my relationship is over then why would it matter to me. It has happened to me and the friend who ended up with my ex. is still my friend and the ex. is gone from her life now. We both are better off without him, but I am thankful we are still friends after all these years.

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  • 26. Posted by hmmmm on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Bottom line is, when the relationship's over, it's over. I like to give it a month to see if they get back together, which is a fair bit of time. Anyways, some friends are just players who go with chicks and leave em. So what are you supposed to do? These girls are fine, if your friend's just into playing around and leaves them, that's fair game. If the relationship was deeper than that though, it's an honourable move to ask your friend how he feels about you dating his ex. Then you have to decide for yourself whether or not you really want to make a move. If she's really the one you want, go for it.

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  • 27. Posted by Lee on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Can relate to this one!!! I am now dating my SISTERS exhusband of 20 years, we wanted each other than and waited, then life got in the way and now we have found our way back to each other.....This is the best relationship I have ever had and I am 40 yrs old....We are solemates I we have done nothing wrong!!! Again time is a factor......

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  • 28. Posted by hmmmm on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Bottom line is, when the relationship's over, it's over. I like to give it a month to see if they get back together, which is a fair bit of time. Anyways, some friends are just players who go with chicks and leave em. So what are you supposed to do? These girls are fine, if your friend's just into playing around and leaves them, that's fair game. If the relationship was deeper than that though, it's an honourable move to ask your friend how he feels about you dating his ex. Then you have to decide for yourself whether or not you really want to make a move. If she's really the one you want, go for it.

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  • 29. Posted by Lee on Tue, May 27, 2008

    Just for the record I think that if you really did not feel for your x and they found happiness in a person you know then wish them the best of luck, Man get over it they say there is someone for everyone and maybe they had to go through you to get to their someone!!!!!!!! Suck it up.

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  • 30. Posted by WENDY L on Tue, May 27, 2008

    I have had this done to me. It had been almost 5 months after our break-up that our daughter (7yrs old) woke me up at 6:30am, which she is never up before 8am, crying b/c ahe didn't want to go back over to my friend's house. I asked her why she was there and then she told me she saw her daddy kissing my friend. She wasn't that close of a friend but she did point out that my kids and i deserved a better life and it was in our best interests to leave. She has already convinced my ex to call Children's Services once, on me but has also taught my 3 year old that mommy's stupid. It's always been the unwritten rule not to date your friend's ex and most people follow it, unless of course they have no morals, but that's only my opinion.

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