Men are from Venus, too!

News bulletin! Not all men are alike when it comes to sex! I know, shocking, isn't it? But honestly, in our culture, you'd think all men think about sex 24/7, can't get enough of it and go from turned off to turned on in the time it takes to sprout an erection. Well, the folks at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University did a study that revealed that — again, stop the presses! — men report a variety of experiences when it comes to sexual desire and arousal.

Through a series of focus groups involving 50 men divided into three groups based on their age (18-24 years, 25-45 years and 46 and older), the Kinsey people found that the men in each group expressed a range of experiences and feelings relating to such matters as the relationship between erections and desire, the importance of scent and relationships, and a woman's intelligence.

The study, which showed up in the April issue of the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, is one of the few studies on sex that focuses on men's sexual experiences.

In the article, Erick Janssen, associate scientist at the Kinsey Institute, is quoted saying, "We have a lot of assumptions about how men think and feel and behave sexually. We use all kinds of methods to measure men's sexual responses; in addition, we use questionnaires and surveys to ask about sexual behaviors. It's less common to sit down with men and ask them to talk about their experiences."

One of the more refreshing things expressed by the men in the study was that an erection is not the main cue for men to know they are sexually aroused. Most of the men responded that they can experience erections without feeling aroused or interested, leading researchers to suggest that erections are not good criteria for determining sexual arousal in men. Amen. I've been saying this for years, but sadly, we continue to perpetuate the idea that male sexuality is all about the penis — is it big enough, hard enough, good enough? And things like Viagra haven't helped. While I sympathize with a man who genuinely may be experiencing erectile dysfunction and needs a medical boost, this idea that the only way a man can be fully sexual is if he can get it up does a disservice to men and women.

Yes, some of the older men in the study, whose quality of erections diminished with age, said this had a direct effect on their sexual encounters. But in many cases, it was a positive effect as it caused them to shift focus to their partner and her sexual enjoyment.

They also said that, as they aged, they became more careful and particular in choosing sexual partners.

The sexual history of women also mattered to the men — but differently for different age groups. Sexually experienced women were considered more threatening by younger men who had concerns about "measuring up," but such women were considered more arousing for older men.

"One of the main conclusions of the focus group study is that, just like women, men are different," said Jansaan in the journal article. "Sex researchers tend to focus a lot on differences between men and women, while not giving as much attention to the differences that exist among men and women. Like I said, you'd think this news would be obvious. But, because of our tendency to generalize and rely on stereotypes when it comes to sex, we continue to believe the Men are From Mars, and Women are From Venus when the reality is that Some Men are From Mars, and Some Men are From Venus. Same goes for women.

Bravo to the Kinsey Institute for doing this. Let's only hope the dialogue continues.