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Love you like Velcro: Grown-up kids who won't leave home - or stay away

Posted Fri, Sep 21, 2007
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Get a group of parents together and the conversation is bound to turn to the hot topic du jour: 20-something kids who seem to have put down permanent roots in the family home (meaning Mom and Dad's).

It doesn't matter if your own kids are barely out of diapers: other parents are eager-desperate even-to share what they know (or what they've heard) about kids who either won't leave home or won't stay away.

You know you're dealing with a major cultural trend when Statistics Canada and reality TV producers are both seeing eye to eye. And that's exactly what's happening in this case.

According to Statistics Canada, 60 per cent of Canadians between the ages of 20 and 24 were still living with their parents in 2006 (as compared to 49 per cent back in 1986).

And as for the reality TV connection, HGTV is picking up where ABC's Kicked Out left off by launching Guess What...You're Moving Out!

The new home design show teams families with a grown-up son or daughter who isn't showing any signs of wanting to leave home (ever) with an interior designer whose job it is to create a pad that's even more irresistible than Chateau Mom and Dad.  (Tough job.)

Some real-world parents I know who've tackled this dilemma have used a combination of carrot ("we'll pay for your move") and stick "we've just cancelled the high-speed Internet and the cable here") while issuing the parental equivalent of an eviction notice: "Your brother is getting your room."

It seems to me that common sense has to come into play for both the landlord and the tenant — something that's easier said than done when emotions are flying high. While your kids are in school or getting themselves established in the world of work, it seems fair and reasonable to me to cut them a bit of slack — to give them a chance to build up enough of a nest egg to afford first and last month's rent and a bit of an emergency fund (or whatever their short-term emergency goals may be).

But I don't know if you're necessarily doing kids any favours by allowing them to lounge around at home indefinitely while they find themselves. (If they can't find all the dirty dishes that have mysteriously disappeared under their beds, maybe they'd have more luck finding themselves in the real world.)

But that's just my take on a situation for which there are no easy answers, endless variables and countless exceptions. I'm eager to hear what you have to say. Is there a point at which parents should encourage their grown-up kids to become a bit more independent? Do you have any thoughts on how you plan to handle this situation with your own kids (or any words of wisdom to share based on your own experiences)?

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19 Comments

  • 1. Posted by Mia T on Fri, Sep 21, 2007

    Ann I completely agree, but in this culture of parents "over rescuing" their kids-it's just one more example.

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  • 2. Posted by sewing_engineer on Sun, Sep 23, 2007

    There's a temptation to help kids out by allowing them to stay "temporarily" at home: while they save for their first and last months' rent, while they save for a car, while they save for furnishings to put in their hypothetical apartment. But it has to stop somewhere "while they are saving for their firstborn's education" seems way too late to me!

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  • 3. Posted by couture on Sun, Sep 23, 2007

    I guess you haven't realized how expensive things are these days. in 1986, as per the article's example, people didn't have as large of a student dept as studends have these days (thanks inflation). How do you expect someone who just finished university to pay off their liabilities, work full-time, save for a house, start a family. Sure, starting a family when you have all those other paymens is quite a lot of commitment, but you have to realize new students are strapped for cash? The first job one might get out of university/college, regardless of relevance to their degree, most likely won't pay them enough to pay off all these depts and have a non living-poor life - in other words, one's profession won't give them high pay becuase they don't have enough experience: and why should you pay a new grad rediculous amount of money, they still need to prove they can do a good job, regardless of good grades. Give these new students a break. Not everyone is a free-loading bastard.

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  • 4. Posted by Teachergirl on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    I disagree with couture. Yes, when you graduate from University you have debt. However, I do not think that it is your parents responsibility to care for you while you pay off your debt. I left home the minute I finsihed Teacher's College at the age of 25 and I was loaded with debt. I could have found a contract position in my hometown and stayed with my parents. But, I think at 25 or when you have completed your studies, it is time to leave home and make a life for yourself. Yes, it was difficult. I lived in an apartment I could barely afford and I didn't have furniture for the first six months that I was there. I slept on two air mattresses until I could save up enough money for a matress. Life was hard! But, I made it.

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  • 5. Posted by kick4kix on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    My parents had a fantastic idea that kept me motivated to move out. After I finished college, I paid my mom "rent" equivalent to a bachelor apartment and she put it into a high interest GIC. By the time that I had found a decent "career" job and established myself for a year, my nest-egg was substantial enough to put a down-payment on my first home. The trick was having HER in control of the money while I was under her roof - it provided an incentive to move out, but allowed me to wait until the time was right. I guess it would have been different if she needed the money herself, (for cost of living) but for us it worked well. I also was responsible for my share of chores and keeping my personal space clean, or would be penalized with "housekeeping" fees.

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  • 6. Posted by Brenda S on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    We have our 19 yearold still staying at home - she pays her own bills but does not pay anything to the household - This is fine with us cause her behaviour of working, going to school, letting us know where she is going and who she is going to be with and if she is staying out or coming home is not only very responsible but also respectful. She is not pregnant nor does she have any babies - She is very pleasant polite and a hard worker - As long as this continues she may stay as long as she likes

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  • 7. Posted by pigeon_sprint on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    IWith tuition just getting higher, and overall inflation -- how can you expect someone fresh out of university or college, with huge student loans to take on new responsibilities like rent, hydro, and food. Have you bought a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter lately? Not everyone is born with a silver spoon in their mouth -- I certainly wasnt - nor were my kids; so what if they live at home for a few years, then so be it!

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  • 8. Posted by stock b on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    If you know how much and how fast a new house or condo price goes up, you will know why your growth-up kid are staying with you. You also know why they move out when they are ready to get married..so that their sprouse could contribute part of the mortgage or rental payment..

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  • 9. Posted by Runda on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    Life is different now than it used to be. Most people in their early 20's are in school and the study saying kids are staying home longer isn't taking this into account. If you weren't lucky enough to have parents who paid for university, you're starting out at as a 22-24 year old with thousands of dollars in debt. Mind you, this isn't to say that you can't make it afterwards. I moved out when I was 21, almost six years ago from my parents homes. I have friends/family who are approaching 30 and are still living at home, with no debts, good jobs that they've had for 3-5 years, huge amount of savings, but have no desire to move out. I do think thats laziness on the part of those people, but also the parents fault for not telling them to leave. Many cultures too, insist you stay home until your married, and so that has to be taken into account as well. I think the previous situation where the young lady paid rent to her mother and put the money into a GIC is a great one!

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  • 10. Posted by Beverly H on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    My son is 23 and still living at home. He decided to college at age 22 and when he finishes he will be 25. Although I want to support his schooling, there are times when I wish it he was on his own. I just am at the point of my life where I am ready to be on my own! I just keep telling myself ..........patience.

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  • 11. Posted by Mary Jo on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    (I would prefer to use gender neutral terms, but since those seem to be lacking in English, I will use the masculine to mean he/she, him/her, himself/herself.) Parents who want their child to move out should sit down with the child and tell him that they think he is old enough to take care of himself and that they want him to move out no later than 3 months from now (or the end of the year, or his next birthday...) For parents of a child who doesn't seem to be able to take care of himself, the approach should be different, although this is quite a bit of work for the parents. Tell the child that he has to start getting ready to live on his own, and that, in preparation for that, he is going to have "lessons". Specific times and days should be set aside for the lessons, ahead of time, so that both child and parents can plan their lives around them; perhaps Saturday mornings. If dates and times are not set for the lessons, the child is more likely to resent and avoid them. The parents would spend the lesson time teaching the child how to: cook all kinds of meals (several breakfasts, several dinners, several sandwiches, his most liked deserts, cookies and cakes), proper diet, not let food go bad, buy groceries, do dishes, clean the house, clean the washroom, manage his money, save money, minimize the use of credit, living costs (rent/mortgage, electricity, water/sewerage, heating oil/gas, food, transportation, maintenance, clothing, taxes), do laundry, sew a button and a hem, keep the house tidy, house maintenance (change furnace filters, get furnace checked, drain dirt from water heater, insulate windows for the winter...), care for the garden... All of this would be hands-on teaching, and would take several months. As the child learns a new thing, he will be asked to start doing some of that for the household - if there are three adults in the household, each should do a third of the housework. If the child has children of his own, some lessons on taking care of and educating the child should be included. Some of the first lessons could be spent making a list of everything the child will need for his household (kitchenware, bedding, laundry basket, microwave oven...). The child would start buying/acquiring these, as sales happen or at yard sales, in preparation for his move some months later. These purchases would be a good time for money management lessons. Some parents don't mind if their adult children continue living at home. These might teach their children all the above, ask them to pay a fair amount for their housing, and to do a fair share of the household chores. It would be sort of co-op housing (co-living) where everyone has an equal share of the work. If the child continues to not want to share in the work or expense, it is better for both the child and the parents that the child be told to leave. It is time for the child/adult to start taking responsibility, and it is a sin to let the child continue to avoid it.

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  • 12. Posted by qwerty on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    I agree with couture, I paid my own way through school, watching my tuition skyrocket by 30 percent my final two years and I moved out of Province for work after graduation. I found employment back in my home province and currently live in my childhood house and pay the going rental rate as well as my own bills. I am very close to paying off my student loan and it wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the support of my parents. Quit being so narrow/close minded. We're living in a different era.

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  • 13. Posted by Neisau S on Mon, Sep 24, 2007

    I must admit that I have a serious pet peeve about guys still living at home. I've dated a few and I wasn't able to find any sensible reason why they should be there. I think that in many cases, they haven't gained the skills and desire that naturally comes as we grow up which in part, could be because of parents babying their children or making the nest so damn comfortable, it's difficult for their child to see any reason to leave. Or, they're cowards. I'm not talking about people in their early twenties either. That's understandable. But, I'm talking about 34 years old WITH two older brothers who are still at home as well. You can't tell me that something is not strange about that.

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  • 14. Posted by swordofmystique on Tue, Sep 25, 2007

    if they want to stay home make them pay part way. im almost 27 &, like an orca, ive been with my mom my whole life so far..the house WE just bought a couple years ago we pay 50/50 into it from each our own jobs & its in our names but it'll come to me completly eventually. we act like roomates. its hard out there for singles...ESPECIALLY women...to make it on their own. its just to expensive but 2 people working together can make all the dif. the only thign that would change this is if a husband is found for me. (uh..i wont get into religious veiws here...all one needs to know that religion is a factor for a woman still at home..though working full time.) anyway...mom would keep this house & i would move into my husband's & share expensies there. it doesnt matter who the kid is living with...so long as they pay their way & help out in the family...wether their own new one or with their parents. now if a kid isnt paying their way & just "lounging around at home" thats the parents fault for spoilng them & it is cause for problems. guess i wasnt spoiled...im working pretty hard for this house & a horse AND riding lessons on top of it. i get maybe 50 dollars (canadian) pocket change off any check & the rest is for living expenses.

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  • 15. Posted by jvanderholt85 on Tue, Sep 25, 2007

    I think when kids are going to school they should live at home. However, when they have finished school and they are working they should be paying for room and board. I know new grads have debt from student loans but who doesn't have debt? Welcome to the real world. Those of us who work full time have car loans, mortgages, rent payments, bills, whatever. We use our income to pay those debts and likely will for the rest of our lives. Kids who stay at home after graduation from University and don't pay 'rent' so they can pay off their student loan debt are basically asking their parents to pay for it indirectly. That's not right. Some parents expect their kids to pay room and board when they're not in school and put the money away for them - that's great. But there should be a deadline for these kids to move out. Parents have lives, too. Maybe they want to move to a smaller house or a condo but can't because their 30 year old kid is still taking up space. Is that fair?

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  • 16. Posted by anndouglas on Thu, Oct 04, 2007

    I usually respond to comments as they come in but -- because of a family situation -- I've been offline more than online for most of the past two weeks. I think, in this case, it's probably a good thing that I stayed out of the conversation and let everyone have their say and comment on one another's comments. There are so many different perspectives here -- and I think everyone did a great job of reminding one another that everyone knows there own situation best and we generally figure out what works best for our own families. It's not easy to balance of student debts, the difficulties some young people have in finding a job, the high cost of rent and mortgages, etc. vs. parents' desire to be supportive of their kids when there's a genuine need to provide a safe landing pad while they get established or re-established without making things so cushy at home that some kids may be tempted to take advantage of mom and dads' goodwill. (And that isn't healthy for the younger generation, who need to become independent at some point, or the older generation, who should be able to make choices about their retirement years without having to worry about "what to do about the kids" -- those "kids" being 40 years of age in some cases.) That's my two cents. Thanks for all the great input!

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  • 17. Posted by anndouglas on Thu, Oct 04, 2007

    I usually respond to comments as they come in but -- because of a family situation -- I've been offline more than online for most of the past two weeks. I think, in this case, it's probably a good thing that I stayed out of the conversation and let everyone have their say and comment on one another's comments. There are so many different perspectives here -- and I think everyone did a great job of reminding one another that everyone knows there own situation best and we generally figure out what works best for our own families. It's not easy to balance of student debts, the difficulties some young people have in finding a job, the high cost of rent and mortgages, etc. vs. parents' desire to be supportive of their kids when there's a genuine need to provide a safe landing pad while they get established or re-established without making things so cushy at home that some kids may be tempted to take advantage of mom and dads' goodwill. (And that isn't healthy for the younger generation, who need to become independent at some point, or the older generation, who should be able to make choices about their retirement years without having to worry about "what to do about the kids" -- those "kids" being 40 years of age in some cases.) That's my two cents. Thanks for all the great input!

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  • 18. Posted by anndouglas on Thu, Oct 04, 2007

    I usually respond to comments as they come in but -- because of a family situation -- I've been offline more than online for most of the past two weeks. I think, in this case, it's probably a good thing that I stayed out of the conversation and let everyone have their say and comment on one another's comments. There are so many different perspectives here -- and I think everyone did a great job of reminding one another that everyone knows there own situation best and we generally figure out what works best for our own families. It's not easy to balance of student debts, the difficulties some young people have in finding a job, the high cost of rent and mortgages, etc. vs. parents' desire to be supportive of their kids when there's a genuine need to provide a safe landing pad while they get established or re-established without making things so cushy at home that some kids may be tempted to take advantage of mom and dads' goodwill. (And that isn't healthy for the younger generation, who need to become independent at some point, or the older generation, who should be able to make choices about their retirement years without having to worry about "what to do about the kids" -- those "kids" being 40 years of age in some cases.) That's my two cents. Thanks for all the great input!

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  • 19. Posted by ash on Mon, Oct 08, 2007

    I can see letting a child stay at home if they are in school and working and also contributing to the household until they become steady in a job that allows them to pay for their expenses not comfortably but just able to squek by I don't see an excuse for a child at 24 to be working a minimum wage job and having his parents paying all expenses including borrowing one of their veicles and having a mother that still does his laundry(yes I know someone like this)

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