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The truth about bullying

Posted Tue, Sep 04, 2007
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The first time one of my kids was bullied at school, I was as disappointed as I was angry that my daughter had been singled out by the mean-girl lionesses in the junior high jungle.

Why did kid evolution have to be such a painfully slow process, I wondered.

If shows like Sesame Street had spent the previous 30 years selling kids on the merits of kindness and friendship while Phil Donahue and Oprah had been pitching their parents on values like caring and respect, why was bullying at least as much of a problem for this generation as it had been for the generation that had come before?

Most of the bullying that took place at my kids' school was of the mean-girl variety: rumours, head games and "you're not our friend" nastiness that was designed to make the victim feel about as welcome as Cinderella before the ball. But sometimes that relational aggression (the term that sociologists and others use to describe the psychological warfare that is raged at the relationship level) crossed over into physical aggression, like the time a group of kids pinned my daughter down and drew all over her face.

Just a few years later, kids who want to make other kids' lives miserable have all kinds of new tools at their disposal to text-messaging hate messages via cellphone, setting up Facebook groups to exclude or mock a particular victim, uploading video footage to YouTube (to immortalize someone's most embarrassing or infamous moment), broadcasting a casual conversation between two friends to the world. It's almost enough to make you think fondly of the nasty hang-up phone call of yesteryear. (Almost.)

Some things don't change, however. What worked best back then to combat bullying is still the best strategy today: for parents, teachers, bystanders and the child who is being bullied to let the bully know that bullying will not be tolerated; and to ensure that bullying behaviour is not rewarded.

  • Parents and teachers can keep their eyes and ears open and trust their gut instincts when they suspect that bullying may be taking place.
  • Friends can take action when bullying is occurring: log off, hang up, walk away, and refuse to condone bullying with their presence.
  • The child who is being bullied can learn, with the support of family, friends, teachers, and other caring adults, how to respond to a bully (use humour effectively, for example); how to reduce your odds of being bullied in future (strategies for presenting yourself as a less vulnerable target, physically and emotionally; having a safety plan).

We also need to ensure that we aren't giving kids conflicting messages about bullying: telling them that bullying on the playground or in the girls' washroom is unacceptable, but then championing bullying behaviours in politics (bully-style attack ads against political opponents, business (workplace bullying as a management or motivational technique) and bullying served up as entertainment (mean-spirited reality TV shows where bullies thrive).

Kids expect grownups to practice what they preach when they're speaking about important issues, like treating other people with kindness and respect. Perhaps if kids aren't getting the message that it's not okay to bully or tolerate bullying behavior towards other people, it's because we haven't exactly been walking the walk ourselves.

What do you think? 

  • 1. Posted by Mia T on Wed, Sep 05, 2007

    Great topic Ann! Bullying is such a huge issue in schools today. We take it so seriously at my school that any conflict betwen two students (whether on school property or not) is dealt with. We also had a two day orientation process for students which focused on the keys to sucess (academically, socially, etc...) with a strong emphasis on anti-bullying and building a cooperative spirit.

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  • 2. Posted by anndouglas on Thu, Sep 06, 2007

    Thanks so much, Mia T.

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  • 3. Posted by Sara Bingham, WeeHands on Fri, Sep 07, 2007

    Thank you! Thank you, Ann!

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  • 4. Posted by JandA on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    Right On! I wish you could speak to the teachers and students at my son's school. He was bullied by a (Grade 2) classmate for the whole year. Your third strategy of teaching kids how to deal with and avoid being bullied is something I was looking for all last year. My son still doesn't want to go to school and that kind of information would really help me let him feel safe again.

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  • 5. Posted by Dilara on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    Dear Ann, thank you for this article. My son is not yet at school, but I am always sensitive towards such issues. I feel so angry when I heard that such mean-girls' parents are not taking any measures at home. In this case, this is a fault of those mean-girls parents. They have to teach her/his daughter how to behave at school and respect all other children. I think, the schools should have all eyes and ears on this issue. Thank you !

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  • 6. Posted by Frustrated Parent!! on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    We are really spending too much time talking about just these bullies. What about the parents of these nasty children?? There seems to be very little accountability from the parents. I actually called the police when my son was being relentlessly physically and mentally bullied from a group of children in his middle school, who were known "bullies". The police then went to the houses of the children to speak to them and their parents. As the months went on little changed, which I hold the parents 100% responsible. They are the adults in this situation and should be conducting themselves as such, by influencing the behaviours of their offspring and holding them accountable to the poor choices they are making. We ended up selling our home and moving to a new suburb in order to help my child's emotional well being, at a finacial cost to our family. These children would be following my son to the next school, leaving little hope of him ever removing the horrible tags that this group put on him. But the fact that I have my son back now, smiling and looking forward to going to school again is certainly worth the cost.

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  • 7. Posted by hassan m on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    Thanks alots Ann ,keep it up

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  • 8. Posted by isatomaz on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    I have a child that I suspect is being bullied? he has been a bullie in the past and now I think that he is being bullied what do I do?? we stopped the bulling right away when we were informed by a teacher. But, now it's happening to him...

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  • 9. Posted by unlimited on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    I agree with the answer from John W. a retired teacher.

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  • 10. Posted by Joan on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    I agree that something needs to be done about bullying in the schools. Our Province says they are against bullying in school, but when my granddaughter was severely bullied in school, and her parents approached the school nothing was done and they were told it couldn't have happened, and it went on and on. Every time it was reported to the school they were ignored and later labelled as troublemakers. The worst thing was when she was changing after P.E. some girls took her clothes and pushed her out of the change room in just her underpants and locked the door. Now you tell me if that isn't bullying? There have been a lot more of those incidents both with her and her brother. They now attend a different school, but that shouldn't have to be that way.

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  • 11. Posted by patersongreen on Tue, Sep 11, 2007

    My son was bullied from Grade 1 to Grade 3 with little or no intervention by the school. They suspended the prime bully in Grade 3 on and off over the course of the school year - it reduced the physical bullying but the mental/emotional bullying continued. Last year we moved him to a new school. Mid-year the bullying started - but was quickly nipped in the bud - the school didn't punish bullies it instead focussed on getting the kids to understand their behaviour and to empathize with my son, including open discussions in the classroom where their peers indicated they did not support and would not tolerate bullying behaviour. My son ended Grade 4 a happy, healthy, unbullied child who started this year excited and looking forward to another great year. I agree parents should be taking a major role in ensuring their children are not bullies but I commend the schools who truly take the matter to heart, deal with it before it escalates, and ensure that every child feels safe, protected and enjoys their time spent at school.

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  • 12. Posted by CjB on Thu, Sep 13, 2007

    Reading this so reminds me of my early school years as a timid child - it's followed me all my life. Even in my late 40's my sense of safety was severely affected by bullying which I called harassment. It continues and I agree we show socially our hypocrisy - I certainly hope someone can effectively devise a plan to deal with it. As a woman part of the problem was lack of police protection and when that protection started to show up on the media my psych used to use it. That's a beginning.

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  • 13. Posted by anndouglas on Fri, Sep 14, 2007

    Thank you all sharing your experiences. I feel really passionately about this subject and I will continue to research and write about it as often as I can. I think we all need to speak up in all areas of our life when the opportunity arises -- even if we feel like we aren't being listened to at times. If enough voices join in unison, they will be heard.

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  • 14. Posted by blue on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    If most parents would sit down and think about it most bullys come from parents. These kids or most of them come from drinking and drugging homes. Most bullys have been physically or sexually abused as children. How do I know this because I couldnt stand up for myself as I didnt know how. I bullied everyone I could because I had no one to talk to. Talk to my dad slap upside my head-talk to my baseball coach told to take off my pants. Get the picture, There is a lot of angry kids out there who have no where to turn so they act out.

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  • 15. Posted by missyokaknows on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    The desire to bully someone will always be in some people. The solution is to prevent opportunities and willing environments. Mental bullying is bad, but what gets the blogs going is when it is physical bullying. Guess what changed when we were kids? Every recess this was at least one teacher walking around the school yard. I remember running wildly to one teacher when a bigger kid threatened me. I would never have told the teacher (I ws an easily intimidated kid then) but I knew the bully woudl lose patience waiting while I stayed near the teacher. Wake up parents! Drop in on your kids at recess and you will see NO TEACHERS OUTSIDE (or parent volunteers -- remember those?) Today recess is open season for bullying. I tried to volunteer as a recess monitor once and was told that the school insurance policy wouldn't permit it. We need to demand that adults once again supervise children during recesses.

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  • 16. Posted by dumbfounded on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    i find it so ironic that the ad i had to watch before i could see the cbc clip on yahoo was for the WWE. are we actually communally stupid enough to wonder why kids are violently obssessed and bully each other. they watch it all day on tv and on the web. is it so unnatural for them to act it out on the playground? we can't have it both ways folks. we can't glorify senseless violence as entertainment and expect that our kids won't pick on it.

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  • 17. Posted by cub on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    I don't think there is a good solution to bullying other than a very good kung fu class I'm afraid. School officials provided very little security for the perennially picked on when I was growing up, either on or off school property. In high school, those who bullied were often excellent athletes, above average students, popular and rich and were looked upon fondly by coaches, students and administration. They weren't "obvious losers" who were going to to flunk their way out the problem. The poorer, weaker kids faced the most problems and by far the most physical harm. Bullies and parents of bullies need to face serious consequences

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  • 18. Posted by raymondandpatricia on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    I suggest all parents and teachers read the book "The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander" by Barbara Coloroso. It is the definitive book on bullying and is a must read.

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  • 19. Posted by jj on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    I was bullied as a young child and it's difficult to get over since it happened at such a vulnerable age and time. I carried the scars from the experience for a long time and while I have improved emotionally, it still has an impact on me even now. I think letting children know that there is a zero-tolerance to bullying is important and that they should not support or participate in bullying. To let them know there are consequences to the act. Both schools and parents should let children know that bullying is not acceptable for any reason and should take immediate action if they do.

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  • 20. Posted by emilyluxor on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    Hi, Is there a fine line between mean-girl/mean-kid and bullying? I'd like to know what people think. My daughter has classmates who are frequently mean, hang up the phone, make cruel comments, etc. Is this bullying? It's sporadic, and controlled by my daughter -- she doesn't have anything to do with these kids and she hangs around with ones who are kinder and more respectful. I'd like your comments. I also think the parents are hugely responsible for their kids. I did confront one parent on her daughter's cruel comments to my daughter and the mom said "Sally just doesn't know what the consequences are of her actions." And she gave a big sigh. As if Sally would never learn. My daughter learned when she was 4 or 5 not to hurt people's feelings. She's 10 now and I think she's way ahead of other kids!

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  • 21. Posted by Lanie on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    I'm with dumbfounded about having to watch a WWE commercial before reading this article. Do we really need to wonder why we face the issues we do surrounding violence in general? It's largely tolerated, accepted and cashed in upon through entertainment and the media - so it's not going any where. What I know for a fact regarding bullying? It's way worse of a problem than is reported. Most bullying goes on unreported and undisciplined. I am currently dealing with one of my sons being seriously bullied, to the point of having suffered serious injuries due to the beatings. It has been very frustrating dealing with this on any level - at the school or with the law. Criminal charges have been laid as the school has gone so far as to expel the child doing the bullying but he still comes on school grounds and in the school with the intent of attacking my son. This is why we have involved the police and criminal charges. I don't know if it's our solution, only time will tell. In the meantime I do not feel the least bit safe leaving my son in the hands of the school staff as this was allowed to progress very far before I was even notified that anything was going on!! As for my son telling me? He's too busy trying to be the "tough" guy and not be a "wimp" or a "suck" about it to have told me anything until the results of the beatings were noticeable - bruises, cuts, injured back and ribs. Oh and these kids doing the bullying, they are not just punching with fists, etc. They are "armed" - with brass knuckles, knives and god knows what else. I only know the latest threat is to get him on the way to school with bear mace!

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  • 22. Posted by tristanroyco... on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    It was very disappointing for me to see a parent encourage rude remarks made by her own kid in front of many other students. Laughing away like it was okay for the child to say these things to another student. Sad and frustrating to say that the problem is at home. Off course no one wants to be known as a bad parent. Either we are victims or the predators of bullying we do not know how to resolve the problem with our own children. There is alot more to this topic I can address.

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  • 23. Posted by Midnight Dark Fire on Tue, Nov 13, 2007

    One solution is restorative justice - the offender makes reparations for the harm done. Often this is more effective than punitive measures because they must face the victim, whom they've hurt on equal ground.

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  • 24. Posted by Iceman on Tue, Nov 27, 2007

    The explosion of school bullying merely echoes the increasing cruelty & brutality of society in general. The courts are a farce; swindlers & muggers & even murderers go free or nearly so, so what is there to inhibit a mere schoolyard bully? In the workplace, a culture of corporate greed has emerged, including "downsizing" whereby half a company's employees get kicked out while the lucky half who remain see their workload doubled. Office & middle management are working 60 & 70 hours a week, under ever increasing stress, to earn less (in terms of real income) than they would have earned 35 years ago. Socioeconomically the lower middle class is being squeezed to extinction, & the gap between rich & poor gets wider by the hour. So much of society is a bully itself, & where are the victims to turn? To the churches with their sexual predators in clerical collars? To the overpaid parasites of our government offices? Considering the state of society in general, maybe it's a wonder that school bullying isn't even more prevalent than it is.

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  • 25. Posted by M. Wolf on Wed, Nov 28, 2007

    Bulllying is far more destructive than even this article makes it. When it happens in school, it gives one person the power to destroy the self-esteem of the many. This will have a lasting effect on these young lives for the rest of their lives, and the bully if not effectively dealt with, will grow up to be a workplace bully too. They are like the wolves amongst the sheep. Even the school doesn't want to get involved because they feel it's not worth blowing the situation out of proportion...the fact is what the teachers see is only the tip of this iceberg. My son was bullied for over a year in a school that had a "zero tolerance" for bullying. He constantly reported it to the principle but they felt my son was a crybaby. They didn't realize that this bully had the whole class in terror, and had a free hand, because children are taught not to 'tattle tale'. This bully came from a broken home with alot of personal problems, so they couldn't send him home as punishment, because the mother wasn't home. The school doesn't realize that one bully hinders the ambition and education of the many, and it is worth removing this bully from the school setting, forcing the parent to arrange privite schooling and save the many from the being a victim. There is so many bad messages we are inadvertantly teaching our children by letting this continue and not nipping it in the bud. In my son's case, he was forced to deal with this boy in a violent way, but it stopped. It's time to wake up parents and teachers. These problems don't just go away on their own, or bullys don't grow out of this faze. We have to reward good behaviour and punish bad, pure and simple.

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  • 26. Posted by tarkett40 on Wed, Nov 28, 2007

    I was bullied back in the day and back then there was only one solution, stand up to the bully and kick their a**. I did not have the luxury of parent or teacher intervention so I did the only thing available to me and the bullying stopped. My daughter is now the victum of bullies and her and I have tried all the politically correct ways to get it to stop. We have talked to the parents (did not believe their child would do that), we talked to the teachers and Principal (did not believe the student was a bully). A lot of the anti-bullying talk out there is just that talk. Bullies are nothing more than insecure, immature people, who project their insecurities on to others to make themselves feel better. I would never tell my daughter to go old school on their a**es, but if she did it herself, I know the bullying would stop. She would, of course, need to be punished, but in the short term this punishment would have much less of an impact on her physically and mentally than 4 more years of the crap she has already taken for the past 3. I know that violence does not make any sense in any circumstance, however, when the victim shows the courage to come forward to try and get help from the parents and teachers and we are powerless to fix the problem, it leaves them with few options.

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  • 27. Posted by dpamela70 on Wed, Nov 28, 2007

    Although Tarkett40 is correct, whenever possible avoid violence, sometimes that is the only thing bullies understand - they don't appreciate what it feels like to be singled out and picked on until they are on the receiving end of it - I too was picked on in my early years, but although small I was not meek, I knew how to fight and I did - later on when my son who was small for his age was picked on and after trying to get the nimrod parents to do something, I once again took on the biggest bully and put him down in front of his little gang, after a further egging of our window incident, which I made two of them scrub the windows clean for over an hour in minus degree tempartures, my point was made - to this day I will not stand by and watch or tolerate this type of behaviour - shame on parents who don't step up and speak to their children about this and shame on society as a whole for still allowing it to go on - parents ask yourself, if your kids are so bad that you don't want to be in public with them, what makes you think the rest of us want to put up them - instead of sparing the rod, try parenting your children and giving them boundaries

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  • 28. Posted by on Wed, Nov 28, 2007

    want to deal with it, tell your kid to turn around and punch the bully right in the head i did and it has stopped!! how many people who say that is wrong today as adults are still being bullied at work or ir relationships. do as you wish but my kids as like myself will not put up with it, dish it out and you will recieve it .

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  • 29. Posted by iceman553355 on Thu, Nov 29, 2007

    I always found that standing up for yourself and taking a stand. Always seemed to stop bullying for me. I think everyone goes through it at some point. But i found if you stand up and fight back then they just leave you alone. Bullys are really just scared insecure children who are afraid to grow up so they try to make themselves feel big by be littleing others. Once they are confronted with aggression they usually back down or won't bother you again, and will turn to someone else or will just stop altogether. Mark my words if you " beat up" your bully he/she will never do it again, because he/she knows they will lose. But most people won't accept this method as a reasonble way of approaching things, and thats why there are so many kids getting teased to the point of them abused snapping and openign fire with a gun on a bunch of innocent kids. Teach a child to stand up for themselves it will help them gain confidence in themselves and they will feel like they are someon instead of a no one.

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  • 30. Posted by maple on Fri, Nov 30, 2007

    My sisters children were constantly being bullied by children who were older and bigger than they were. The bullies were stealing lunch money etc while on the way to school so my sisters husband told them there would be consequences if this didn't stop. He was informed by these children that if he touched them he would be put up on charges as they were under aged children. This is the whole root of the problem. No consequences for this type of behavior. Their solution was probably not the most acceptable but the only workable solution. Their was a friend of the family that had a son that was underage but was a very big lad for his age and they had him lay in wait for these young bullies and when they tried to cause another problem. When they did he came up to them and told them if he ever seen them bother the kids again he would beat them until they couldn't walk and there also would be nothing done to him as he was also under age. That ended the problem and they never had problems again from these bullies. Is this the best solution? Probably not. But it worked in this case.

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