Eye Opener

I opened my eyes.

It seemed such a simple thing. In fact, I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t usually open my eyes while coming. But I realized it’s a bit like sneezing. It’s actually hard to do without closing your eyes.

And the truth is, as someone who’s easily distracted, I usually have to close my eyes so I can tune everything out and stay focused on what’s happening in my body so I can get off. Opening my eyes right at the moment I was about to come seemed like asking for trouble.

But it actually had the exact opposite effect. I had a toe-curler of an orgasm and I felt super connected to my guy. According to Dr. David Schnarch, author of

Passionate Marriage

, only about 15-30 per cent of couples open their eyes at all during sex. And only about half of those who do, close them during orgasm. As a result, says Schnarch, the sex a lot of people are experiencing in long-term relationships is more like mutual masturbation than making love.

I get a lot of books about relationships, keeping passion alive, how to have mind blowing sex until the day you die… blah, blah, blah, but Schnarch’s book is a breath of fresh air. His take on relationships is extremely hopeful, smart and honest. Even a perfectly happy couple could learn a thing or two.

For example, here’s a gem: Schnarch believes sexual boredom, disinterest, low desire and intimacy “problems” are not only inevitable in long-term relationships (the word “Marriage” in the title refers to any long-term committed relationship) but they’re good for them! He sees these “problems” not at signs that you’re “falling out of love” or that things are over, but that you are finally being forced to confront some of the things that are stopping you from getting the kind of sex and intimacy you truly desire.

Let’s face it. Early in a relationship, just having sex is exciting. But once you settle into a sexual pattern, things get predictable and it’s hard and scary to change. That’s why dysfunctional relationships are so attractive. As long as you’re kept constantly on edge, constantly guessing, you feel drawn to and excited by the relationship. So what if it turns you into a complete basket case. At least it’s always exciting, right?

That’s where we run into trouble says Schnarch. Problems in marriage don’t come from lack of intimacy

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they come from our inability to tolerate truly being known by the person most important to us.

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Sexual boredom isn’t caused by indifference or emotional estrangement or lack of security to experiment

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it’s caused by your spouse becoming too important to risk his/her rejection. Indifference is the end result of attempting to diminish his/her impact on you.”

Schnarch says couples having “problems” shouldn’t feel bad because it’s actually a sign the relationship is working. He describes relationships as people-growing machines. I liked this because I think more often than not, once people are in relationships, we let up on our own personal development. It’s like, “Whew, I’m in -- now, I can coast.”

Schnarch’s answer is something he calls differentiation, not to be confused with being a stubborn, self-centered boor in your relationship. Differentiation is about holding on to yourself so you can actually be closer to your partner. When we differentiate, rather than relying on our partner for validation and being dependent on them for positive feedback and comfort, we learn to sooth ourselves when we’re feeling anxious instead of getting on our partner’s case because he or she isn’t doing the right thing to make us feel better.