Chicks tell all (continued)

What's our big beef with testosterone? "It's like garlic to a vampire," one guy complained. "Women are always blaming shit on testosterone." Men have more testosterone and display proportionately more obnoxious, aggressive behaviour. You do the math. Admittedly, the too-much-testosterone explanation is becoming a bit clichŽ, and I've been told, in fact, that the hormone is sometimes used to subdue overly aggressive behaviour. Perhaps we should let this one go and just blame stupid macho behaviour on men.

Who made you the experts on relationships? Why, we did, of course. Pretty smart, eh? Chalk it up to female intuition, but, quite simply, you guys just don't get it. If you would only see things our way, it really would make it all a lot easier.

Why can you objectify a man's body but get upset when we comment on how hot some chick is? Thousands of years of history.

Why do you ask if you look fat in an outfit when you don't really want to know? Yeah, that one's pretty much a no-win situation. If you say no, we think you're lying. If you say yes, you're dead. The best way to avoid this is to tell us we look great at all times.

Why do you love makeup? Recently, as I was dancing around the room after finding out that my TV work gets me 30-per-cent off MAC products, my boyfriend had visions of hard drives and screen savers. What can I say. Everyone knows women wear makeup for each other. In ancient matriarchal tribes, women painted their faces even when there were no men around. There you go, it's war paint. Plus, it's fun. And a great way to fake it when you look like shit.

How can you love shopping that much? As a full-fledged shopaholic, I like to think of shopping as more of an ongoing daily quest for the ultimate deal on the ultimate outfit. Each discovery is an achievement, each major score a skilled accomplishment. And yes, we really do need another pair of shoes.

Why do you go to the bathroom in pairs? So your friend can hand you some toilet paper under the stall because you have, once again picked the one with no paper. That, and because we must find out who each other wants to sleep with outside the bathroom and sort out any overlap so things don't get ugly later.

How come you can reject our sexual advances, yet when we say we're tired you sulk? This is your fault. You are the ones who perpetuate the idea that men want sex anytime, anywhere. Besides, most of us are still new at this taking-initiative thing. We're a little insecure still.

Do you really enjoy giving oral sex? As long as you let us control the rhythm and speed and don't start thrusting it down our throat, fellatio is fun. It helps if you don't smell like an old sock too.

Why do you get annoyed when we do nice things for you after you've asked why we don't do nice things for you more? Because we know you're only doing it because we told you. The trick is to not have to be asked; but if you must be asked, then the trick is to wait till we forget we asked and surprise us.

Why is it that when you want to talk about something we don't want to talk about you bug us until we talk about it, but when you don't want to talk about something we're supposed to respect that?

I don't want to talk about it.