Chicks tell all

Well, guys, here it is: Everything you always wanted to know about women but were afraid to ask. Compiled from guys who really want to know, for example...

What's it like to have breasts? Admittedly, the novelty wears off by the time we're about 15. I think it coincides with our first gym class as a full-breasted young woman. Then they're mostly a pain in the ass: finding the right bra for them, having guys direct entire conversations at them, having kids (and men) gnaw on them for a few years, then watching them fall victim to gravity. They can be fun to dress up (or down, as the case may be), push up, or let someone run their fingers and lips all over them once in awhile (just remember, they are not toys to be tweaked, squished or poked whenever you feel like it). Why not strap a couple pieces of round fruit (large oranges are about a C-cup, cantaloupe a D-cup) on your chest for a day and see how it feels?

How come it takes you so long to come? Most sex books clock the male orgasm at about 3 to 5 minutes from time of erection, while women need at least 7 to10 minutes. Other factors to consider: women usually get a later start on this as young'uns, and we get easily distracted by things - like you being concerned about how long it's taking us to come. And it's just not as obvious with us. Sometimes you gotta prop up the hood and spend some time getting to know the engine, if you know what I mean.

Do you really fake it sometimes? And if so, why? Yes, we've all faked it. But most of us eventually realize it's a waste of time and energy. Sorry, but even your ego isn't worth it. Besides, it inevitably backfires when we realize we have to make the real thing live up to prior performances so we don't get caught. A trained professional will know the difference. If your partner gets up after and starts cleaning the windows or organizing her closet, she probably faked it. If she lies there limply with a stupid look on her face, drooling slightly, give yourself a pat on the back. As for why we fake it, well... the aforementioned ego, boredom and, once again, our concern that you are concerned that we are taking too long.

What does sperm taste like? Melted overripe brie - salted.

What does a female orgasm feel like? Good. Not unlike that full body rush you get when you're a kid on a swing and you drop your head back on the way down and then pull it up real fast when you swing forward. Though sometimes it's more subtle - more like a case of bad gas.

What does it feel like to have a period? Not good. Imagine feeling like someone has injected air in your abdomen and accidentally slipped some shards of glass in there while they were at it. Add a steady, dull ache and the occasional warm gush that feels like you just wet yourself, and that pretty much covers it. Oh yeah, sometimes it smells bad, too.

How come we can't blame your manic behaviour and inexplicable tears on PMS but you can? See, just because our manic behaviour might be explained by PMS, it might not be. That's our call. If you make the call, any legitimate bad feelings are undermined thus making us want to slug you. Besides, since we have to suffer most of our life with our period (see above), we get to make all the rules about it.

Why is intuition a female thing? It just is, I can feel it. One guy told me he suspected female intuition was a secret weapon to make men feel guilty and 'fess up to any crimes, since "she'll know anyway."