Uh, oh… Here they come again. The guilt police are out in force spreading anxiety attacks and sudden urges to build panic rooms to parents everywhere.
Today the guilt is over cell phones. Toronto Public Health announced on the weekend that cell phones are hazardous to the health of children and their use should be limited.
Okay. Well, that’s good. I just got my daughter a cell phone because of the guilt I felt about her walking home from school alone in front of all the pedophiles they warned us about last month. Now I’m giving her a brain tumour.
Here I am sitting in BadMotherville again. Just when I thought I had squeaked my way out because I fed her full, nutritious meals last week, did not yell once and taught her how to bake bread.
I thought I’d at least get brownie points for volunteering on the graduation committee at her school and sacrificing hours taping tulle to a stage and risking life and limb stringing lights to the ceiling.
But alas, guilt-free parenting is not in my future. As I sit here, I can visualize the radio waves doing who knows what to the brain of my child. Of course, Toronto Public Health doesn’t have much to back up their research. Health Canada says there’s no scientific reason to consider cell phones unsafe.
Yet that doesn’t really matter. The cell phone must go and the panic room must be erected because, obviously, my daughter can’t be allowed out anymore.
That’s where the pedophiles are, and the unsafe playground equipment; the asbestos-laced schools; the toxic air; the allergens; the toys made in China; the trampolines; the pools and lakes; the rabid pit bulls; the guns and gangs; the violent movies; the cars; the E. coli-covered food; the infectious diseases; and all those dirty, bacteria-infused people.
Of course, tomorrow they’ll announce that panic rooms emit nuclear waste and cause children to age prematurely. Then I guess I’ll have to dig a hole, but that might cave in and then there’s the problem of the dirt because we all know it absorbs toxins.
I guess squirreling her away is not going to protect her either. I’ll have to think of a new plan because I really don’t know how I’ve managed to keep her alive this long.
