I admit it; sometimes I’m a bad parent.
I know what I’m supposed to do. I have parenting experts telling me all day long how to handle all sorts of situations from tantrums to the teen years, but somehow the advice manages to fly out of my head when I could use it the most.
I am guilty of bribing, bargaining, begging, turning the TV on for hours, yelling and even tears. I feel guilty just about all the time for big things and little things. Like today I feel guilty because my daughter wants to get a new backpack when the old one is fine and I said no. I have spent half the day reconsidering.
Part of that has to do with the fact that her dad and I split custody. If I don’t get it for her, he will and then I’ll be the bad parent. Flawed logic I know, but it’s the way my mind works. Of course, he’ll buy it out of guilt too.
I often wonder how my parents did it. I don’t think either of them spent one parental moment feeling guilty. They were able to say no with authority and I didn’t ask why; I didn’t whine and I didn’t call them cheap under my breath. I just accepted it. I feared them and they didn’t feel one ounce of guilt over that.
Sometimes I wish I could rouse the same fear in my daughter. That would virtually eliminate any need for bribing, bargaining, begging or crying. Of course, by today’s standards, that would be bad parenting too.
I also think the fear tactic wouldn’t work today. I think kids are smarter than they used to be. If my father said the sky was blue because every night fairies crept out of the woods and sprinkled magic dust on the sky I would have believed him. I never would have questioned his wisdom.
Now, everything I say becomes a debate with my daughter. Her friends are the same way. Because they question our wisdom, they know not to fear us. It’s like they’re born knowing that adults are intrinsically flawed. I didn’t start noticing my parents’ flaws until I was thirty.
Another reason for my guilt and bad parenting is I think that everything I do is going to impact her future. Like if she doesn’t get the backpack she’ll grow up feeling deprived and that will impact her self-esteem and she’ll lead a sad, depressed life and it will all be my fault.
My parents do not think anything they did impacted my future. If I turned out a drug-addicted street waif they would have shrugged and wondered what happened when I started out with so much potential.
I guess despite my best intentions and all the knowledge the experts can provide, I’ll still screw up and I’ll still feel guilty for it.
They should develop some sort of guilt rehab for all the moms who yelled at their toddlers for running into the street, or bribed their six-year-old to keep the peace, or stuck in the DVD because they didn’t want to play Batman, or ordered pizza because it’s easy. I wonder where I can find the chill pill my daughter keeps telling me to take. Hey…maybe that’s what my parents are on…
