Holiday Stress- Help!!!

Ah, the holidays. A time to reflect, make amends, start anew, remember (or is it forget?) old friends. That and spend money, decorate, feed everyone and play monkey-in-the-middle with feuding relatives. It's enough to drive anyone to reconsider Scrooge's position.

But before you holler "Bah Humbug!" and barricade yourself in your bedroom, we can help lessen the stress load. Clinical Psychologist Dr. Karen Kaffko and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist John Henderson provided some of the following tips in December 2005 on More 2 Life with Mary Ito.

1. Check your expectations
   Despite images the media projects, your family will not suddenly morph into the Cleaver's. People who hate each other will still hate each other, misunderstandings will still be misunderstood and spoiled children will still whine. The holiday season is not the time for group therapy, so with that in mind:
   
   • Identify what your expectations are for the holidays ahead of time-- what do you want for yourself, your partner and your children? Voice those expectations and negotiate accordingly.
   • Understand that it may not snow on the big day and the food may not make Martha Stewart proud, but it really doesn't matter. If your expectations aren't too high then you can't be let down in the end.
     
   • Do not expect others to read your mind. Their idea of a good holiday and yours may be different. Talk it out.
     
     
2. Take care of yourself
   You will be of no use to anyone if you don't make sure you are staying healthy, so:
   
   • Plan ahead. The more you plan ahead the less stressed you will be.
   • Make sure you are sleeping and eating properly. These are usually the first things to go when you are under pressure but it is very important that you get your sleep and proper nutrition (chocolate and cookies do not count!).
   • Get regular exercise (shopping counts!).
   • If your child presents you with a request for immediate baked goods from the school at ten o'clock at night, do not stay up all night baking ten types of cookies. Bakeries open early and so do super markets. Buy them there.
   • Do not drink too much at the holiday parties. You will feel it the next day and who knows what you might say to the boss in a drunken stupor.
     
   • DO NOT drink and drive for reasons that should be obvious to everyone. Remember that the OPP's Festive Season RIDE program is out in full force so even one drink can be too much.
   • Delegate. Spread the work around and get everyone involved. You can't do everything yourself.
     
     
3. Keep the holidays out of divorce court. If you are in the middle of a divorce:
   It's tough and you know your children best, but here are some tips:
   
   • This is a really hard time. If you are still angry or sad and the frustration becomes too much, try to see a therapist.
     
   • The old traditions may not apply but you can start new ones. This is a fresh start and it sets the template for holidays to come.
   • Try to make the holidays as happy and as cheerful as possible. You do not want the children to associate this time of year with sadness.
     
   • Be consistent. The kids are already going through a tough time and they need consistency. Stick to your decisions.
   • Keep your issues with your ex spouse to yourself.
   • Do not try to do the holidays together. That sends mixed signals to the kids.
     
   • Some couples actually get back together over the holidays because of nostalgia and the warm and happy feelings of the holidays. These reconciliations are usually short-lived. Come January, you remember why you broke up in the first place. So if reconciliation is in the cards, wait until after the holidays to make that decision.
   • If your kids are having trouble, get them to call Kids Help Phone so they can talk it out with someone outside of the family. Better yet, get them therapy. If finances are an issue, ask your family doctor to make a referral to a child psychiatrist who is covered by OHIP. Or contact the Hincks- Dellcrest Treatment Centre and ask about treatment options in your area. They do have a rural centre near Collingwood.
     
     
4. Try to work out logistics ahead of time
   Your family wants a visit and his family wants a visit. You can't be two places at once so what do you do?
   
   • Talk to your spouse and negotiate first without involving the rest of the family.
     
   • Let everyone know ahead of time where you are going.
   • Stick to your guns. Some families are great at guilt but you want to have a nice holiday too. Don't overbook.
   • If you are a new family you may want to establish your own rituals. If that means a quiet time at home then ask that the rest of the family respect that.
   • Set clear boundaries for the rest of the family. Your spouse and children should be your priorities.
   • The holiday season isn't just one day. You can celebrate and visit with family over the course of a couple of weeks. Don't try to squeeze everyone in on one day.
     
   • Host and have everyone come to you.
     
     
5. Avoid the family feud
   Some families just do not get along, so to keep yourself out of the fray:
   
   • Establish where loyalty lies ahead of time and support your spouse no matter what.
   • Have a get-away strategy planned if things get out of hand.
   • Set up secret signals with your spouse or another family member so they know how to rescue you if Uncle Hank has you cornered.
   • If you can't stand a family member, do not make a scene. Avoid them. If they enter a room, leave it (politely of course).
   • Stay out of the conflicts of others. They do not need your two cents.
     
     
6. Recognize the signs of depression
   The holiday season can be a time of joy but it can also be a time of deep sadness if you are alone or are missing family members. Make sure you check for the signs of depression early. The Canadian Health Network lists the following as signs of depression:
   
   • feelings of sadness or irritability
   • a loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
   • change in weight or appetite
   • change in sleep patterns
   • feelings of guilt
   • difficulty concentrating, remembering and/or making decisions
   • experiencing more fatigue or a lower level of activity
   • experiencing more restlessness
   • experiencing a loss of enjoyment
   • feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
   • thoughts of suicide or death
     
   If you said yes to five or more of the above and the feelings last longer than three weeks, you may be clinically depressed. See your doctor immediately.

Remember this is supposed to be a HOLIDAY, so lower your expectations, take care of yourself and stay away from the fights. Relax, find activities for you and the kids to enjoy, or stay home doing crafts or watch holiday programming on TVOKids. Enjoy the time because before you know it, it'll be over.