Why Doesn’t Anyone Tell You What Motherhood Is Really Like?

Becoming a parent is like taking a trip to a foreign country: you have no way of knowing beforehand what you’ll encounter once you arrive at your destination. And if you simply go by what the official guidebooks have to say, you could be in for a rough ride. There continues to be a conspiracy of silence about what those first months of motherhood are really like. While prenatal classes and pregnancy books do a good job of equipping you with the tools you’ll need to weather the rigours of labour, they often neglect to prepare you for the even greater challenges that you’ll face during the weeks after the birth.

This lack of information about the realities of early motherhood can leave first-time mothers feeling more than a little shell-shocked. “I remember thinking ‘Why didn’t anybody tell me this?’” recalls Jennifer Fong, who gave birth to her son Jamie seven months ago. “I had no idea how overwhelmed I’d feel at first. Not only was taking care of a baby a brand new activity for me: I was acutely aware that everything I did—every decision I made—could have such profound consequences for my son.”

Like Fong, Althea Blackburn-Evans felt totally unprepared for the early weeks of her daughter Aquinnah’s life. “I was quite used to babies in terms of handling them and their general physical care,” the former communications consultant explains. “What I wasn't prepared for the emotional upheaval of becoming a mother. Lots of people told me about it before hand but it is one of those things you have to experience on your own.”

Blackburn-Evans also found it difficult to adjust to being at home full-time with an infant. Prior to giving birth four months ago, she had been putting in long hours at work. Her schedule changed overnight once baby Aquinnah arrived. “Suddenly I found myself alone a lot more than what I was used to, with no one but the baby to keep me company. I missed my normal routines: I’m a person who really needs to have some sort of schedule. There were plenty of times when I burst into tears thinking ‘I’m never going to get my life back.’”

According to Josephine Shafiei, a City of Toronto public health nurse, the upheaval that Fong and Blackburn-Evans experienced during the early weeks of motherhood is not at all unusual. Most first-time mothers find that they need a little time to settle into their new role. “It’s a major life event,” she explains. Not only do new mothers have to adjust to the demands of caring for a tiny, helpless human being: their relationships with their partners and other people in their lives change. And, as if that weren’t enough to contend with, they have to deal with the physical aftermath of the birth and—for some women—related body image concerns, too.

And then there are the roadbumps that can unexpectedly appear on the road to breastfeeding success. Despite what many people believe, there can be a learning curve associated with breastfeeding. As Teresa Pitman, co-author of Dr. Jack Newman’s Guide to Breastfeeding, notes: “You and your baby are both learning.” Fortunately, most breastfeeding difficulties can be resolved relatively easily—and the payoff for persevering can be enormous, Pitman stresses. “You’re able to give your baby the many benefits of mother’s milk and to give yourself the pleasure of nurturing your baby at the breast.”