Testing One, Two, Three…

Think there’s little more to doing a home pregnancy test than peeing on the test stick and patiently waiting for the result to appear? Think again. As any pregnancy test junkie can tell you, there are head games to be played before, during, and after you sit down to take The Mother of All Tests. Here’s the inside scoop for all of you first-timers.

Head Game Number 1: Wanting to test too soon. While the instructions for home pregnancy tests make it painfully clear that there’s little to be gained by jumping the gun and testing before your period is due, most pregnancy test junkies will admit to having tested early on at least one occasion. Not only can that 14 day window between ovulation and testing day feel like purgatory when you’re determined to find out whether or not you’ve won at baby roulette: we all know someone who tested a few days early and ended up with a positive pregnancy result. (Of course, in our eagerness to rush to the drugstore, we generally forget to ask ourselves whether the dear girl’s cycles could have been a few days out of whack. But, then again, what’s the point of letting mere biology get in your way when there’s a pregnancy test calling your name?)

Head Game Number 2: Obsessing over which brand to buy. It’s one thing to make the decision to buy a home pregnancy test. It’s quite another to decide which brand to buy. And since a typical drugstore offers a smorgasbord of home pregnancy testing options, don’t be surprised if you feel your head spinning as you try to decide between E.P.T., Clearblue Easy, Answer, First Response, or whatever else happens to be on the pregnancy test menu du jour. (Then again, if that dizzy feeling evolves into full-blown morning sickness, there won’t be a need to buy any pregnancy test at all, now will there?) I used to think I was the only would-be mother playing “battle of the brands” in the home pregnancy test aisle. Now I know better: there are entire web sites devoted to comparing the sensitivity levels of various brands of tests. Mamma mia!

Head Game Number 3: Obsessing about how many pregnancy tests to buy. Of course, there’s a simple solution to the “battle of the brands” dilemma—assuming, of course, that your budget can handle it: rather than settling for a single type of test, load up on different brands. Just one small word of warning in case you decide to walk out of the drugstore with an armful of tests: you’d be wise to go for the “pee in the cup” method rather than the “midstream test” method. (Unless you’re in the running for a Guinness Book of World Records title for the world’s longest pee, you’re going to run out of pee long before you run out of tests.)

Head Game Number 4: Second-guessing the pregnancy test result. Pregnancy test manufacturers have gone to great pains to make their products as foolproof and easy-to-use as possible. But that doesn’t stop us would-be pregnant women from calling the pregnancy test manufacturer’s 1-800 help line to ask truly bizarre questions about the effects of local seismic conditions or humidity levels on pregnancy test results, now does it?

Head Game Number 5: Obsessively retesting. Forget James Bond. “Once is Not Enough” could very well be the name of a brand of pregnancy test. After all, the only thing we would-be mommies like more than testing is re-testing. (Even if you manage to hit the jackpot and walk away with that much-coveted pregnancy test result the first time around, it can be strangely reassuring to see that pregnancy test turn positive again…and again…and again.)