on Yahoo!Each year, my grandmother’s spare bedroom was transformed into a quilting room during the grand-parenting off-season—those times of year when it seemed least likely that her otherwise quiet home would be invaded by station wagons full of happy and excited grandchildren, hungry for home-baked cookies, fresh-squeezed orange juice, and the other perks that always seemed to go along with a visit to Grandma.
Looking back, it seems kind of fitting that this one small room played host to both of her passions: connecting with her grandchildren and creating beautiful things. After all, whether she was stitching together the pieces of a quilt or telling some thoroughly enthralled grandchild about the amazing things she had witnessed over the course of her 94 years, she was busy creating an intergenerational quilt—instilling in her grandchildren a deep-rooted belief in the importance of family and teaching them that the threads that link one generation to the next are ties that join rather than bind.
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The holiday season is a time for connecting with family members and friends in a meaningful way—in a way that will, with any luck, cast a warm glow forward into the New Year. The question, of course, is how to pull off this rather Herculean feat in the midst of all the holiday chaos and at a time of year when we’re more likely to feel Scrooge-like than saintly. After all, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that there’s more to the holiday season than battling gridlock in the parking lot at the mall or finding the recipe for the perfect fruitcake!
We all want to feel connected with family members during the holiday season, but living, as we do, in an age when we don’t have extended family members to turn to for wisdom and advice, it can be difficult to know how to go about creating and stitching together the quilt of memories that will make up the fabric of our children’s lives for many years to come. Here’s some solid advice from some expert quilters—ordinary women like you and me who have a strong commitment to building strong, healthy families—on what it takes to make an intergenerational quilt.
Celebrate the simplicity of each stitch. Just as a quilt is made up of thousands of stitches and pieces of fabric, our children’s lives are made up of thousands of memories and experiences. The challenge during the holiday season is to celebrate the simplicity of each stitch—to find magic in simple pleasures. “It’s the little things in life that mean that most, says Marguerite Daubney, a Kingston, Ontario, mother of two. For Daubney and her husband David Lindensmith, that means bundling three year old Lizzie and four-and-a-half year old Michael into their pajamas and taking them for a late-night tour of the town so that the entire family can take in the Christmas lights. Margaret Allan, a Calgary, Alberta, mother of two, remembers being surprised to discover that it is these simple pleasures that her sons remember most when they reflect back on holidays past—little things like tossing wrapping paper into the fireplace to watch it burn, inhaling the intoxicating scent of freshly-baked cinnamon buns on Christmas morning, or playing board games as a family.
Don’t be afraid to borrow ideas from other quilters. Quilters borrow liberally from one another’s designs, finding inspiration in patterns that have worked for other quilters. It only makes a sense to take a similar approach when you’re planning your family’s holiday celebrations, carrying forward traditions that were meaningful to you during your own growing up years. “Traditions are what make families special,” explains Peterborough, Ontario, mother of two Cynthia Forget. “It’s not so much what you are doing but rather the fact that you are repeating with your children what you did with your own parents that matters. It’s a special feeling.” Toronto mother of two Janet Bolton agrees: “Before you have kids, you usually don’t bother with holiday traditions, so you miss out on some of the inherent magic of the holiday season. After you have children, all that changes. Christmas is magical once again.”
Know when it’s time to introduce a new fabric or pattern. The most accomplished quilters don’t allow themselves to get so tied to tradition that they end up getting stuck in a rut. They constantly challenge themselves to introduce new fabrics and new patterns that will enhance the overall design of the quilt they are creating. It’s a lesson that also applies to the holiday season, says Tracey Arial, a Montreal mother of two. “Each year, Pedro and I try one activity with the kids that we’ve never tried before.” One year it was going to see The Nutcracker ; another year it was taking their two children to the botanical gardens so that they could see the seasonal displays of flowers and birds. Of course, not every activity becomes a permanent part of their family holiday traditions: the trip to The Nutcracker was such a disaster that they’ve vowed never to repeat it!
Commit to enjoying the process as much as the final product. Quilters require an extraordinary amount of patience, as do parents. In both cases, the final product—a finished quilt or a fully-grown child—is many years in the making. Stephanie Whittaker, a Montreal mother of two, likes to take advantage of the slower pace of life between Christmas and New Year’s and to use this as a time to really reconnect with her kids: “I find that it's an excellent time to just ‘hang out’ with my children. One of my favourite things to do with them is to go to the movies. It forces me to slow down from my workaday life and just ‘be.’” Montreal mother of two Tracey Arial takes things one step further, scheduling a much-needed Pajama Day for her family during the holiday season: “Pajama Day is a tradition I’ve carried over from my own childhood,” she explains. “Typically, we celebrate it on Boxing Day. On Pajama Day, you do not get dressed. You do not cook. You just play all day.”
Don’t demand perfection of yourself or your kids. It’s a rare quilt indeed that doesn’t harbour at least one tiny little flaw (although, thankfully, in most cases, the flaw is only visible to the quilter!). And, of course, it’s an even rarer family that doesn’t have to contend with at least the odd squabble, spilled drink, or broken toy during the holiday season. “Don’t get too carried away by your expectations of a Norman Rockwell or Martha Stewart holiday,” advises Peterborough mother of three Diane Wolf. “Instead, pick one thing that will be low-stress, fun, and easy. The fastest way to a disastrous holiday season is to overdo things.” Montreal mother of two Stephanie Whittaker agrees. She has found that it works best take a hands-off approach to certain things—like the decorating of the tree: “I leave the tree for the children to decorate. The tree may be less than perfect, but I say, just go with the flow. Call it Christmas Zen.”
Keep the bigger pattern in mind. A wise quilter always has a picture in her head of how the various pieces of the quilt are going to come together. A wise parent is just as clear about what values anchor his or her family. While it’s easy for values to get misplaced amongst all the giftwrap at this busy time of year, Anita Paradis, an Orleans, Ontario, mother of four, tries to ensure that her family’s holiday celebrations are in synch with their “big picture” values. In her case, that means teaching her children to be less materialistic. “One thing I consider a special challenge is swimming against the tide of consumerism and commercialism. It is difficult to explain to young children why they can’t—and shouldn’t—have everything they see in television commercials, glossy flyers and catalogues, and stores. It is especially difficult when their friends’ parents buy into the whole package and the children end up comparing their ‘take’ after the holidays.” Paradis’ solution to this problem has been to find creative ways to teach her children the art of giving during the busy holiday season: “My children make gifts for their grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and I hope those are the memories they’ll treasure: the time we spent together making gifts and the satisfaction that comes from making something with love. We also participate in an outreach programme that makes hampers available to families who are less fortunate than our own and I hope this will be a special memory for my children, too.”
Don’t be afraid to rethink your pattern if it isn’t working for you anymore. Sometimes it’s necessary to rethink your quilting pattern and to come up with an alternative design. Ditto for your holiday celebrations. Jennifer Crump of Smooth Rock Falls, Ontario, decided to “downsize Christmas” when it became apparent that her family’s traditional way of celebrating the holidays—commuting to visit two sets of grandparents who lived eight to twelve hours away—was no longer allowing her and her husband to truly connect with their five daughters. “Our celebrations were starting to revolve around the adults rather than the children, and I didn’t feel comfortable with that.” Five years ago, the Crumps decided to start spending their Christmases at home rather than travelling to southern Ontario—something that allowed them to introduce a cherished new tradition: cooking something special as a family on Christmas Eve. “Downsizing Christmas was the best thing we ever did,” Crump insists.
You may also need to rethink your pattern if your family circumstance’s change. Hinton, Alberta, newly single mother of four Dawn McCoy found that sticking with old traditions—like having her ex-husband present for a family Christmas dinner—didn’t work particularly well. “Things have changed in your life and your family’s life. Pretending nothing has happened and trying to keep up with old traditions is almost hypocritical. You are starting a new life and that means starting your own set of traditions.”
Bridget Kelley has also learned the importance of rethinking old traditions. Christmas changed dramatically after her only child—her nine-year-old daughter Jade died six years ago. She “cancelled Christmas” that first year, but has since found special ways to honour Jade’s memory each year, like decorating a special memory tree with Christmas ornaments that her daughter made or was given over the years.
Even less dramatic changes in circumstances—something as simple as the fact that your children are moving into the teen years and beyond—can highlight the need for some new traditions, notes Vancouver mother of two Lori Bamber: “I remember experiencing a powerful sense of loss when my son first left home and I realized that I would no longer be at the centre of his Christmas celebrations. I quickly learned that connecting with older kids really means connecting on their level. I’ve learned to let go of my ideas of what makes a great Christmas and listen to what they want.”
Vow to work on your quilt throughout the year—not just during the holiday season. Audrey Lightheart, a Caledonia, Ontario, grandmother of 14 and mother of four, feels that the connections she makes with throughout the year are every bit as important as the ones she makes during the crazy-busy holiday season. She feels that the strength of her bonds to her four children and 14 grandchildren can be attributed to the fact that she and her family make a point of staying connected throughout the year. “The pace of day-to-day living is much faster and busier than I recall life being when I was a child, or even when my own children were growing up. One would expect this would make it harder to keep in touch. However, the wondrous inventions of the telephone and e-mail are a boon to keeping in touch. I like to think that mutual affection and concern for one another’s well being keep us connected year round.”
Why parenting is like quilting
-“Parents…join the threads of the past with threads of the future and leave their own bright patterns as they go.” - Fred Rogers, children’s entertainer (a.k.a. Mr. Rogers)
-“Quilts are like warm cocoons. They are tidbits of love’s history bound together for generations to dream in.” - Leigh Ann Henion, journalist
-“I’ve begun to appreciate the generational patterns that ripple out from our lives.” - Anne Cassidy, journalist
-“Stitch by stitch, the quilters weave their memories into cloth, their thoughts into color.” -
-Staci Matlock, journalist
-“The quilt speaks to you like a painting. The spirit of a person makes it warm.” - Virginia Hall, quilter
-“Quilts tell the complex stories of women’s lives. They set forth personal history and experience, commit to memory people and relationships from the past, and express our hopes for the future.” - Carolann Barrett, essayist
-“Arrange whatever pieces come your way.” - Virginia Woolf, novelist