Parenting nirvana: You can get there from here (continued)

While it may seem counterintuitive, a less controlling parenting style can actually serve to boost your power as a parent because your child may feel less of a need to challenge your authority every step of the way. It’s when you go into control freak mode yourself that you set yourself up for the Mother of All Power Struggles between yourself and your child—a battle you’re doomed to lose, by the way. (Your three-year-old can focus her full attention on winning this round, while you, on the other hand, have to worry about moving money between bank accounts, picking up a birthday gift for your mother, and the 1001 other things that are part and parcel of being a grown up. So save yourself a lot of aggravation by drawing upon the only source of power that counts in the parent-child tug-of-war: the emotional bond that makes her want to earn your approval.)

Besides a controlling parenting style won’t work forever. A Edinburgh University of more than 4000 12- and 13-year-olds found that the teens who were less likely to get into trouble were those with the least autocratic parents. So unless you want to set yourself up for a mutiny during the preteen and teen years, you might want to switch into power conservation mode sooner rather than later.

Refuse to set the parenting bar impossibly high for yourself. When you demand perfection of yourself, you simply increase the odds that you're going to take a rather unceremonious tumble and land flat on your face. So save yourself the impromptu swan dive by setting a realistic parenting code of conduct for yourself—not one for saints or for sinners either, but one that's perfectly suited to a gloriously imperfect parent like you.

Besides where is it written in the parenting job description that perfection is required? Nowhere, that I’ve ever seen. So vow to be at least as forgiving of yourself as you are of your kids when they make mistakes and accept the fact that the odd fall from grace is inevitable. Hey, you’re only human.

Give yourself a reality check when it comes to your kids, too. Make sure that your expectations of your children are firmly grounded in reality—that you aren't asking more of them than they are able to deliver. It's fine to try to motivate and inspire your kids by setting high standards for them, but overly high standards will only leave them feeling discouraged and defeated—not exactly a guaranteed way to build up their self-esteem!

If Mother Nature happened to deal you an extra challenging hand on the parenting front by blessing you with an extra-challenging kid, you’ll want to make a point of comparing notes with other parents who understand what you’re dealing with and who can let you know whether your behavioural expectations are pretty much on the mark or whether you’re dreaming in technicolour!

You’ll be more likely to find support and understanding if you turn to the parents of the extra-challenging kids than if you raid the ranks of the parents who ended up with the “easy kids.” As Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., notes in her book The Mother Dance, the parents of the “easy kids” are sometimes guilty of giving themselves too much credit for what basically amounts to biological good luck—something which can lead them to be rather judgmental of parents who are facing much bigger parenting challenges. “Such a mother sincerely believes that you can easily get your frisky, attentionally challenged, rebellious, and colourful offspring ‘under control’ if you just take charge in the appropriate manner,” she explains.