on Yahoo!Day made a conscious decision to pick her battles after her husband, Brad, said he felt like he couldn't do anything right. "My heart just went down to my toes," she says. "It's so easy to get stuck saying, 'You didn't put the toilet paper roll on,' or 'You left the lid up.' And you don't even realize you're doing it."
Allison and Tom Dresen of Wawanesa, Man., have a special perspective on keeping trivial irritations from getting in the way of enjoying each other. He's in the Canadian Forces and has served in Bosnia and Afghanistan. "Does it really matter that he didn't do the dishes when he might be gone [on duty] tomorrow?" says Allison. "You get used to letting go of things and keeping your eyes on what's important and having a happy relationship."
It's advice similar to what Marsman regularly tells her clients: "Let small things go, don't hold on to grudges.... If it's small, let it be small and let it stay small."
Fight fair
It's not if you fight, it's how you fight. Fighting, when done right, should help resolve conflict, not create more.
Marsman says good fighters stick with the issue they're fighting about and try not to take it too personally. "They listen to their partner's point of view, acknowledge it and discuss it."
"We try to be civilized about fighting," says Kerri Gingerich of Zurich, Ont. "If it's negative and it doesn't need to be said, just don't say it. If you only get excited about the big things, then you take each other more seriously."
When Lisa and Brad Day find an argument is getting too heated, they try this tactic: "We give each other the opportunity to take off, cool off, come back and then talk," says Lisa.
Stay intimate
Sex is a connection that you share only with your partner (OK, unfortunately not always, but that's another article...), so making sure that bond is strong helps the relationship. Gingerich feels that sex gives her and her partner, Barry Willert, a deeper level of emotional communication. So when they noticed a drop off in sex after the birth of their son, Ryan, they took steps to bring back that lovin' feeling. "We've just learned that you have to take the time and once you do make it a regular thing, then physically it's also better. When the relationship is good the sex is good, and when the sex is good the relationship is good."
There's no magic number when it comes to frequency. "Everybody has a different tolerance or need for affection and touch," says Marsman. "So as long as those needs can get met, you're OK.... When you've got a huge discrepancy, you can have problems." In fact, the Todaysparent.com 2005 Sex Survey of almost 10,000 online visitors revealed that 33 percent wanted sex more frequently than their partner, while 42 percent said their partner wanted sex more often than they do.
Touch
Of course, there's also a lot to be said for the more PG-rated versions of physical connection. "We hold hands like we did the first time we met," says Kim Reid of Toronto. "We are committed parents, but we were a couple before that, so we try to keep that alive."
In fact, a kiss, hug or pat on the shoulder is a quick and simple way for couples to make each other feel loved. "We have a kiss and a hug every morning before he goes to work," says Gingerich. "And we always kiss before we go to sleep, even if we're fighting or angry at each other."
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