on Yahoo!As I toss the empty heart-shaped box in the trash, a thought occurs to me that I dare not share with my husband: I would love him even without the double-chocolate Valentine's Day truffles. It's not the predictable expressions of love that make a relationship endure, but the day-to-day efforts (like truffles on a nondescript Wednesday, for example) that keep couples happy.
First of all, let's state the obvious: There are some things that good relationships just have to have - it's no secret that without trust, honesty and attraction, you're waging an uphill battle. And let's not sugar-coat what we mean by "happy." Even the most blissful of spouses get the urge to fling the occasional forkful of mashed potatoes at each other for leaving crumbs in the butter.
But all that aside, happy couples make a conscious decision to be just that: happy. And they do simple, practical things to keep the spark bright.
Talk, talk, talk
With a heavy family schedule, it's quite possible for a couple to get to the end of the week and realize they haven't communicated much more than to say, "Why is there a Tonka toy in the fridge?" It's a dilemma Lori and Marleau Belanger faced. Their solution? Game night. "A few nights a week, after the kids go to bed, we sit down at the kitchen table and play a game. That way we can just focus on each other."
And to connect between games of backgammon, the Winnipeg couple relies on email. "It sounds weird because we're in the same house and we use the same computer," says Lori. "But if I want to tell him something's coming up, like a family event, I'll email him and remind him about that, and that way I know he's seen it and he can put it on his calendar.... Sometimes he'll just send me little jokes and stuff."
Date
... each other, of course. "Date night" is a constant refrain of couples who describe their relationship as happy. "You know you've got the babysitter, so you know the time is yours," says Joan Marsman, a Toronto marriage and family therapist. "You can dress for it, you can look forward to it, you can fantasize about it. People need that adult time."
Christine and Dave Wilson of Victoria have put a spin on date night. Two years ago, they joined a coed curling team and now, every Thursday night, they leave their two sons with a sitter and hit the rink. Christine says the team aspect ensures they won't miss a night because they know that people are counting on them. And, she adds, "the communication is definitely a lot better. Whether it's the drive out there, while we're standing waiting for our turn or having a drink afterward, we have that time when we're not being interrupted by 'Mom, I want juice,' or 'Dad, I want a story.'"
Spend time apart
OK, this one may seem a little counterintuitive, but it goes back to that old cliché that you can't make another person happy if you're not happy yourself. And pursuing friendships and interests outside of your marriage can make you more fulfilled and rounded, both as a person and a spouse. "As much as I'm a partner, I'm an individual first. And he fell in love with that individual, so maintaining that is part of the relationship," says Orillia, Ont., mother of two Lisa Day, who makes sure she regularly goes out with friends and to the gym.
Let small things slide
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