Teaching Not to Touch

Patricia Robertson doesn't even want to discuss teaching toddlers not to touch unless she can also talk about childproofing. "If there is something your toddler shouldn't touch," stresses the professor of early childhood education at Seneca College in Toronto, "don't put it within reach or sight of the toddler. That's just a tease."

It doesn't seem that way from an adult point of view. "Don't touch Mommy's orchids" seems to be a simple sentence, even for someone with a beginner's grasp of language. But it isn't to a toddler.

"We can't be telling toddlers things the way we tell it to older kids: 'I'm going to tell you what you can/cannot do, and you understand it and won't do it again,'" explains Robertson. "They're just not developmentally there yet."

Cognitively, toddlers may not be able to completely understand our "simple" messages. To them, "you can touch this and this and this, but not this and this" is a complicated concept to grasp. And even if they do understand, their memory is not developed enough that they will remember it five minutes later, let alone the next day.

In any case, understanding is only the tip of the iceberg. Couple that with a toddler's inborn need to learn through exploration, her inability to understand what is dangerous and her lack of impulse control, and you have a child who cannot be relied upon to obey instructions.

So when parents don't childproof their home, says Robertson, the result is that they spend all day policing the child ("Don't do that, I told you not to touch, get that out of your mouth, no, no, no!"), which is exhausting and patience draining. And your child is subjected to a constant stream of negative messages, instead of the positive ones that will nurture his development. "It's not a healthy learning environment for either the parent or the child," concludes Robertson. "You want to enjoy the time spent with your child and discover the world along with him."

Adapting to your environment

So first things first: Adapt your environment so that, as much as possible, your child's home is safe for her to explore. "I wouldn't even bother trying to teach a toddler not to pull a cord or tablecloth or play with fine china," says Robertson. "As a parent, it's my role to keep that out of reach."

That frees you up to concentrate on the few things you can't restrict access to. And yes, you can certainly start to teach your toddler about the dangers of the house, says Robertson, "as long as you don't think that if your child is taught a lesson once, then it's a lesson learned forever. You have to re-teach the lesson over and over again." How? We got a lot of tips, from Robertson and from toddler-savvy parents:

Keep it short. Toddlers may know a lot of words, but the intricacies of stringing them together are another matter. At this age, a few simple words have more impact than a long explanation.

Ease up on "no." When you hear the same word all day long, it loses impact. Plus for some toddlers, the word "no" is equivalent to waving a red flag at a bull - it turns the forbidden into the very thing they want most. "I don't think they understand the danger," says Sandy Fernandes, mom to two-year-old Kyle. "All they know is that Mommy is saying NO. And boy, do they hate that word!" Of course you can't completely eliminate no. But when possible, try this instead: