Kathryn Walsh stirs a pot on the stove as her son Jonas, six, thrusts a pile of papers under her nose. "Look what I drew for you," he beams. It's not long before 10-year-old Linden, listening in the next room, exhibits a sample of his own artistic endeavours.
"They're competing for my attention, but at least it's a more positive approach," remarks the Toronto mother of three, citing other instances of sibling rivalry like aggressive couch-pillow fights. "But even when they're being nice, it can sometimes get out of hand," she says, "because everybody's attacking you with their good intentions. Like, "I can draw a better picture than that!" or "You should see what I can build!"
Whether it's one-upmanship, verbal abuse or hair pulling, it's probably fair to say that most families with more than one child are intimately acquainted with some form of sibling rivalry. We talked to the experts to find out why kids argue and what you can do to prevent the next uproar.
in the heat of the moment
Use these defusing strategies to lower voices and calm emotions:
Validate their feelings. Sometimes all kids need is to be heard and have their feelings validated. When a child's upset because his sister broke his Lego tower, support and name the feeling. Instead of saying, "Oh, we can rebuild it," try saying, "You're angry that she broke your tower."
Step out of it. Stepping back from low-key squabbles can be effective. Keeping your nose out of it and declining to micromanage every disagreement encourages kids to resolve the situation on their own.
Don't take sides. It's easy to say that one child is right while the other is wrong. Once you takes sides, though, you've defeated the long-term objective of smoothing the waters by choosing one child over the other. Instead, use the moment to teach conflict resolution. Ask kids to contribute ideas to resolve the problem.
Enforce a time out. Implement a cooling off period to let kids develop solutions separately. When the time is up (this will vary by age), everyone returns to voice their ideas.
precautionary measures
Preventive strategies for fending off arguments
Make time for one-on-ones. Ward off jealousy by scheduling alone time with each child. Try private story readings or special outings.
Be a role model. Kids notice (and imitate) how you speak to and treat others, especially your partner. So walk the walk. Avoid comparisons. Obvious, perhaps, but there's no better way to invite competition than by comparing one child to another.
Resist victim/bully labels. Free children from labels (even if they ring true). Empower the "victim" by teaching him to stand up for himself and the "bully" by reminding her of her good qualities and that she should demonstrate them.
Catch them being good. When you see kids treating each other well, recognize it. Be specific about what you like. ("I like how you shared that treat.")
Teach them to identify feelings. It's easier to express emotions when you're used to talking about them. Try a suppertime debriefing when everyone talks about their day using the four core feelings - sadness, anger, happiness and fear - to describe how they're feeling.
family consequences
While minor sibling arguments don't have a strong impact on family dynamics, chronic rivalry can cause feelings of alienation among family members. Kids feel sad, lonely or scared if their family isn't reassuring or comfortable to be with.
