Warm relations

Baby, it's cold outside. But that chill in the air doesn't have to put a freeze on your closest relationships. Keeping things fired up between you and those you care about is as simple as making a warm gesture, such as buying a colleague a cup of coffee or sharing a funny story with your mom. "Warmth is the basic tool for building solid connections with other people," says Sandra Sherwood, a Richmond, B.C.-based registered marriage and family therapist. "It's a way of showing appreciation and thoughtfulness." But before you hatch a plan to show someone you care, consider Sherwood's advice: "No matter how you convey warmth, remember that it's an expression from your heart, not your head." Or your wallet, for that matter. Genuine warmth doesn't have to cost a thing. What's more, it's good for you, too. "Warmth creates a sense of goodwill and belonging for the giver as well as the receiver," Sherwood says.

Here are a few everyday ways to keep the heat on in your relationships all winter long.

• Snuggle up with a sweetheart Non-verbal expressions of warmth go a long way with romantic partners. "Warmth is the opposite of being detached and withdrawn. Soften your voice, make eye contact and use open body language," suggests Sherwood. Show your partner you care with a playful hug or foot massage. "When my fiancé is doing the dishes, I like to sneak up behind him and give him a surprise hug," says Melissa Gomes, a government analyst in Ottawa. "When I show him those little signs of affection, I hope he feels as warm in receiving them as I do giving them."

• Surprise a friend When her friend made the move to the West Coast last year, Danielle Vaillancourt in Toronto wanted to make his transition to a new city as painless as possible, so she created a personalized welcome gift: "I hid little cards in his boxes so he would find them when he unpacked in his new place," she says. "Some of them were little jokes, some had directions to cool places I thought he'd like in the city, some just said hello." Unexpected tokens of appreciation are an effective way to remind friends they're important to us. Surprise a friend with an unexpected note in a book she lent you or drop a "just because" card in her handbag. "You're creating a circle of belonging and a feeling of safety," says Sherwood. "The need to belong is a fundamental part of everyone's lives."

• Help out a co-worker Expressing warmth towards colleagues starts with putting yourself in their shoes. "Warmth is a combination of being sensitive to someone's needs and then responding to them accordingly," says John Holmes, a social psychologist at the University of Waterloo in Ontario. Maybe your colleague is so swamped she can't even leave her desk for a coffee break. Why not bring her back a coffee from your break? It's more than just a hot cup of coffee - it's also a sign that you understand. "Warmth requires empathy, and this applies to any kind of relationship," he says.

• Share with family Just remembered a funny childhood story? Why not call your family and share it with them? "Warm behaviour can be expressed by resonating with those who are closest to you," says Sherwood. "It's about sharing." Connect with family members by sending them some long-lost photos or a CD of songs that remind you of special times together.

First published in Chatelaine.com's December 2008 issue.
© Rogers Publishing Ltd.