Caring for aging parents

It was funny when mother and daughter switched places in Disney's Freaky Friday, but the real life role reversals facing the "sandwich generation" are no laughing matter. As their loved ones age, many baby boomers (along with some seniors and Gen X-ers) are supporting their mothers and fathers.

It's called "parenting your parents" for a reason. Like parenting, this role has many facets such as personal shopper, chauffeur, caregiver, therapist, handyman, companion and personal assistant. Boomers work these responsibilities into already hectic schedules, alongside the demands of full-time employment, caring for their own children or grandchildren and their own health concerns. Statistics continue to show that the majority of these family caregivers are women, and they're likely to be married and working full-time.

Unfortunately, the inter-personal aspects of this reversal aren't simple... "In your parents'eyes, you're always their child no matter how old you are," says Elaine*, a caregiver for her 85 year old father. "Many of our parents' generation didn't have to care for aging parents, so this is something they haven't experienced for themselves."

Whether your parents live independently or have moved to an assisted living or long term care facility, caregiving can feel like uncharted waters. Here are some tips and resources to get started:

Set limits. It can feel like no amount of time or attention is enough. In order to maintain some balance (and sanity) in your own life, it may be necessary to set some boundaries. Figure out what you can contribute -- both in terms of your time and finances -- and stick to it. Be assertive about your own needs and the needs of those who also depend on you, otherwise the mounting sacrifices could damage relationships and lead to burnout.

"You aren't Superman," says Elaine. "You have to realize there isn't time to do everything -- and make peace with that."

Hire help. You can't do it all, but there are many tasks that someone can do for you -- like hiring a cleaning lady to look after the housekeeping, or a yard maintenance company to mow the lawn. Many grocery stores and pharmacies deliver too. If you're helping out someone with health issues or who has just had surgery, look into nursing care.

A home monitoring system can also provide peace of mind for caregivers, advises Elaine.

Work with your siblings. These days many family members aren't close to home and one child may be bearing the brunt of the costs. That's why it's important to co-ordinate efforts among siblings to share responsibilities and costs, as applicable. Elaine recommends coming to an agreement with siblings, including a budget to cover any costs (especially if your parent is living with you). Make sure everyone understands what's going on -- and put it in writing.

Keep the lines of communication open. Boomers are willing to help -- but their parents may be in denial about needing it, or are unwilling to ask for it, according to a recent survey. The second annual Living for Today -- Ready for Tomorrow survey conducted by Ipsos Reid on behalf of Toronto-based Bayshore Home Health pointed out some major differences in expectations between aged parents and their adult children.

For instance, 73 per cent of aging parents said they didn't need help around the home, but only 43 per cent of their adult children agreed this was the case. Almost 90 per cent of parents didn't want to be a burden, and one-third of children worried their parents would be too embarrassed to ask for help. As little as 5 per cent of parents planned to ask their children for financial help during this economic crisis, despite the fact that two-thirds of boomers reported they'd be willing to offer it.