"She's friendly, attractive, single and wondering why a smart and interesting woman like her can't meet her type of man. (Maybe you're like her. Then again, maybe you'd like to meet her.)"
Bold white letters in a black box on a number 10 envelope taunted me each time I passed my dining table. For about two weeks the envelope lay there unopened. It wasn't the first time I'd kept one of these promo pieces. Why didn't I toss it? What could a dating service possibly offer me that I couldn't do for myself?
In truth, I was kidding myself. As a single parent for the last 14 years, I can't claim that my dating adventures have had Harlequin begging for the rights; they've been mostly left to kismet, half-hearted and excuse-ridden. I was too busy. My daughter might feel cheated. How many toads could one girl stand? It simply wasn't worth the aggravation.
After a breakup, pain, anger and disbelief are our constant companions. We see what we've lost and our self-esteem sinks into an abyss. Meanwhile, we struggle to be strong for our kids - to keep things "normal." We cook dinner, drop them off at playgroup or soccer, listen to the details of their day. A new relationship? Who has the time or energy?
But the call for companionship and intimacy is insistent. So we begin the dating dance. Again. With about one-and-a-half million of us solo parents out there (over 80 percent women), according to Statistics Canada, and with the romantic landscape changing as fast as J-Lo can line up a new beau, what are the best ways for a single mom or dad to connect with a new mate?
A Little Help From Your Friends
After a split, friends and family provide the shoulders we need to cry on; they can also be great sources for us to find new love, says Bill Dyck, a marriage and family therapist in Vancouver. The hard part is letting them know we're looking - and what for. "We want to maintain a certain image with our friends," explains Dyck. "And we think as adults we should be able to handle our own problems."
Even people who know you well don't necessarily know the kind of person you'll click with. Dennis Palmer*, a single father from Richmond Hill, Ontario, clued in quickly when he was seated beside the only single woman at a friend's dinner party. Sparks didn't exactly fly. While the conversation went smoothly, they were clearly at different stages in their lives.
This sort of cross-purpose connection isn't unusual, especially if you're not direct with your friends. "Talk to them about finding someone who will match you well; similar interests, experiences or same stage of life," Dyck suggests. He warns single parents to be careful. If you do start seeing someone who's recently divorced or separated, don't slip into rescue mode. You may have done your recovery work while he is still resolving custody, financial and emotional issues.
Hot Tip: The road to dating disappointment is paved with good intentions; to give your hook-ups a chance, be sure to let friends know not to over-sell you.
Love Online
Enter the Web; with its forums, chat groups and dating sites, it has newspaper personals beat. But can you really meet that special someone online? Thousands seem to think so. And while online romance brings some safety concerns (see below for ways to protect yourself), this isn't the biggest issue for e-daters. "There is still a stigma," says Denise Hannah from Georgetown, Ontario. "When I tell friends I've done it, they ask me why, and if I can't just meet somebody." Hannah even unintentionally embarrassed another single parent in her neighbourhood when she casually mentioned she'd seen his profile on one site.
