on Yahoo!These are strange days for dating. There are countless ways for people to connect, and yet there are a lot of lonely people out there. Do modern men and women lack proper charm and etiquette? Or have times simply changed? As a woman deep in the dating scene, I can report that a new crop of deal-breakers do exist, and they're ruining could-be relationships everywhere. I spoke with Toronto psychotherapist and relationship expert Tara O'Connell to get her opinion on what we can let slide and what we can't ignore.
The Courtesy "We"
Two people meet and sparks start to fly - but one of them is in a relationship. That person has the obligation to drop a "we" at some point during the conversation so the other knows the score. ("Ooh, you should check out Weeds. We watch it every Wednesday.") Last winter, I wasted almost three weeks having dopey daydreams about someone who gave every indication he was doing the same. He sent me cute emails, we had cute conversations, and, most important, he never ever included the word "we" in any description of his life. Then one day I strolled onto an elevator and found him gazing down at a magazine as if he'd found the Holy Grail. "Is that your girlfriend?" someone asked. He kept his head down but murmured with wonder, "She made the cover!" She. Made. The. Cover.
Tara's Take "There could be a reasonable explanation for a man keeping his options open. He could be on the brink of a breakup or looking for an out. It may be that it honestly never occurred to him to talk about relationship status, so in his mind, he's clean. On the other hand, you could be dealing with a narcissist who can't be satisfied with the love of just one woman." If you want to be certain, try a comment such as "You're hilarious. Your girlfriend must be laughing 24/7."
The Three-Second Rule
Call me old-fashioned, but the first time I sit down with someone at a bar or a restaurant, I'd like him to keep it in his pants. The cellphone, that is. There was a time not so long ago when the only possible rival you'd face on a date was the hot server. Now it's becoming standard for your date to arrange his various shiny gadgets between you, like a survival kit for his attention span. The three-second rule works as well here as it does for a burrito dropped on the floor: if attention wanders to a call, text or hot server for more than three seconds, contamination ensues.
Tara's Take "The proliferation of these devices has progressed so rapidly that our social graces haven't had time to catch up. Often people don't see that what they're doing is rude. Call him out, or make a joke such as 'I intend to drink a lot tonight, so we're going to need that space for my wineglasses.'"
Location, Location, Location
If what, where and when become issues, you should probably start asking why. Marly, a full-time secretary in New York, was training for a triathlon in the evenings; Steve, her Internet date, went away most weekends, so they decided to meet for lunch. Steve immediately suggested Marly come to his neighbourhood, though he knew the travel time would eat up most of her lunch hour. Marly asked that they meet halfway and Steve reluctantly agreed. Knowing that she kept modified kosher, he still suggested a Cajun restaurant famous for its (non-kosher) shellfish and pork. Inevitably the date tanked.
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