We all think of old boyfriends from time to time. But what about the ones we can't get out of our minds, whose names we can't think of without wondering, What if? Taking a second chance on an old flame sounds like a scary leap - and it is. Only about half of all people who seek out lost loves - usually for the wrong reasons - really belong with them, says Nancy Kalish, a California-based developmental psychology professor and author of Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (William Morrow). But for those couples who reunite for the right reasons(see Should you make the call?), the research is promising. Almost three-quarters of reunions between these lost loves succeed - not bad when you consider that half of all marriages fail.
Meet four women who gave love a second chance. One woman had to get past her shallowness to reunite with her high-school crush. Another finally realized that the one who got away actually didn't deserve to be around. Regardless of the outcome, each woman took an exhilarating risk and learned that connecting with an old flame can teach us a lot about ourselves.
The high school crush
When Amanda, a preppy with hopes of moving to New York to become a photographer, met punk rocker Cory in the fall of 1994, she wasn't sure what to think. Inter-clique dating was quietly discouraged at their high school - and even if she was willing to break the rules, she still had to answer to her parents.
Something compelled Amanda to discreetly get to know Cory anyway. "He was very funny," she says. "I felt really comfortable just hanging out with him." Amanda liked that Cory was so self-assured, but she knew that he wasn't the kind of guy her parents had in mind for her. "The first time my parents met Cory, he had purple hair," she says.
The opinions of other people weighed heavily. Amanda led Cory on at first but backed out at the last minute. "I thought he hated me for that," she says. Amanda went away to university and lost touch with Cory, but she compared all her boyfriends to him. "I would always think, Well, God, how can I like someone from Grade 10 so much? But I was myself with Cory."
Four years after Amanda and Cory first met, she moved back to her old neighbourhood. After learning that Cory still lived nearby, she left a note on his car windshield with her phone number, mentioning that she was back. Cory called right away. They caught up over drinks and discovered they shared a strong connection.
She wasn't sure how her parents would react to her dating Cory, but they supported her decision. After being together for almost five years, Amanda and Cory bought a house together. While Amanda used to think success could only come from bettering herself, she now relishes the freedom to be happy as herself - no matter what anyone else thinks.
The heartbreaker
Elaine Yim and Ted Spencer first met at a pub popular with university students. He invited her to play pool and she was instantly smitten. "He was really, really cute," says Elaine. "I thought, This is the kind of guy I could really be with." Their first date lasted nine hours and ended with an invitation for the following night.
Afraid of appearing too eager, Elaine demurred. If she was fooling Ted, she wasn't fooling herself - she was falling for him fast. But Ted, who had ended a seven-year relationship at the ripe age of 23, wasn't interested in looking any further ahead than his trip to Europe - which he insisted he would do solo. Despite enjoying five months of laughter, fun and intimacy, they broke up in October 1997. Elaine was crushed.
