Dear Josey,
I’m 28 and two weeks ago, my live-in boyfriend of three years left very suddenly. I got home from work and he told me he was leaving, packed a backpack, called a cab and left for the airport. I was, obviously, devastated. There was no warning, in fact, just the day before, we sat together and bought our flights home for the holidays. We moved to a new city a year ago and I knew he wasn’t happy here because of his job (he worked alone at home) and because he didn’t know a lot of people, but we were planning on moving back next summer. Since leaving, he’s admitted that he feels we communicate differently and because of that, the relationship will never work. He keeps saying he misses me, that I’m really important to him and that he’s afraid to lose me. He’s also admitted that the way he left was completely selfish and an awful thing to do to someone. I think he just freaked out and ran. He believes that a relationship should be perfect or you wouldn’t be together. I feel that every couple has issues they need to discuss and if we had communication issues then we just needed to sit down and talk about it. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to move on but I miss him so much. I’ve lost ten pounds since he left because I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. Please help. I want things back to the way they were but I know I can’t convince him that no couple is perfect. What should I do?
Is He Just Running Scared?
Dear Running,
It’s bad enough to have someone walk out on you suddenly but to have it happen right before the holidays takes the sting up a notch. I know, I’ve been there. So I feel for you. However, you say there was no warning and then go on to tell me how unhappy your boyfriend was, how he had no friends, etc. Not that these things are directly connected to your relationship, but you lose by association. He’s been unhappy since you moved away together, ergo, he associates his unhappiness with moving away together. And rather than figure out ways to make himself happier, simply walking away from it all can sometimes feel like an easier, more concrete and immediate solution (the “freak and run,” as you so eloquently put it). Until you do it and then suddenly realize there’s another human being involved and you’ve left behind a big mess. While it’s big of him to admit what he did was selfish and mean, it would have been bigger of him to sit down with you and explain what was going on with him. It still would have sucked, but it would at least feel more respectful, mature and loving. Of course, all that is rather moot now. He’s convinced himself this relationship isn’t going to work, based on what I agree are some pretty lame grounds, that is, the fact that you communicate differently and that your relationship isn’t “perfect.” If every relationship broke up on these grounds, well, we’d all basically be single. If he’s using these as his measuring stick for a successful relationship, I’d wish him good luck with that and let him go. I know you miss him but, trust me, trying to make someone stay who doesn’t really want to be there will just make you both miserable. And, not to make light of your situation but there is a bright side: You don’t have to buy him a gift and because you’ve dropped all this weight you can pig out over the holidays guilt-free.



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