There I was about in Ottawa about to be packed off with the girlfriend of the dad. My date was shuffling through a stack of 45s on someone's lawn, oblivious to the fact that I might not want to spend what was supposed to be our afternoon alone together yard-sale shopping with his father's girlfriend, as nice as she seemed in the three minutes we'd known each other.
Especially when it also became obvious in those three minutes that, at the time, while he and I were still in negotiations, in the eyes of his family I was clearly the "girlfriend."
Which wouldn't have been so bad if I'd been prepared. As it was, my "special friend" only casually mentioned the night before that our big trip to the nation's capital might include hooking up with the man that made him. I figured coffee. When we were finally alone, in the car on the way home, a mere seven hours later, I mentioned this.
"Well, I figured we'd have supper with them at least."
"Did you, now. Funny, you didn't tell me that," I said, my tone laced with hours of brooding.
Even with the stereo on, the gulp in his throat was audible from my side of the car. He'd fucked up.
***
Meeting family is not something you take lightly. No matter how casual you try to be about it it, meeting "the family" for the first time is right up there on the Do-I-Really-Have-To list with moving and visits to the dentist.
Like a good boy scout, you want to be prepared. Because right from the moment you hear, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet...," you're on. It's exhausting.
You know they're watching you like a hawk. It's their baby you're with, after all. First impressions are everything. One false move and you're toast. Like polishing off an entire bottle of her father's best Scotch. My parents never did ask about him again.
Which is why I was so miserable. I desperately wanted to sulk over my date's insensitivity, but I couldn't. I liked him enough after all to want his family to like me. I didn't want them saying, "My, she's a moody little thing there, son."
But my attempts to vibe him into cluing into my misery went unnoticed, because he was basking in that comfort zone that comes when you show up with a better half. Parents tend to treat you more like an adult when you come as a unit.
"My parents love him even though they don't really know him," a friend tells me about the relationship between her kin and her man. "He could be an ax murderer for all they know but they're just so happy to see me with someone."
I know every time I show up with a guy, my family's so thrilled that I'm not gay and that there's another chance I won't die a bitter, lonely old lady that they don't worry about how many people he's killed.
***
Being the one introducing your date to your family is no picnic either - and only slightly less stressful than deciding you want to introduce your date to your family. While your loved one is busy wowing your mom with her knowledge of various sponging techniques or demonstrating her tolerance for bad dad jokes, you're desperately hoping she doesn't bring up her Solar Temple days. It's also a strain to stop yourself from punctuating everything that comes out of her mouth with "See, isn't she cool, mom? Do you know that she was valedictorian of her kindergarten class!"
Or trying to coax him out of the corner. "Honest, he really does speak, mom."
