Considering Taking a Second Chance

Dear Josey,

My girlfriend and I broke up three months ago when I found out she had been cheating on me -- more than once. She told me she didn’t know why she did it, that she really loved me, but was afraid of spending the rest of her life with one person. I was too hurt to continue the relationship even though she insisted she was going to change. We tried for a while, but I couldn’t stand the feeling of not being able to trust her. It didn’t seem fair to either of us. Now, after three months, my heart is softening. We still talk about once a week and I have to admit to myself that I am still in love with her. Recently, she has been saying that she would like to get back together, that she’s really changed, that she hasn’t been with anyone since we broke up and realizes I’m the one for her. I’m confused. I want to believe her but I don’t want to go back and relive the pain. What should I do?

Considering Taking a Second Chance

Dear Considering,

Eek! Do you really think someone can turn an entire pattern of behaviour around in three months? Even seasons take longer to change than that. It’s easy to profess great change when you’re lonely and your heart is all busted up. Hell, I’ll promise almost anything to make those feelings go away. Add to that some embarrassment and shame about your own behaviour and you could probably get just about anything from this woman right now. The problem is that once you give her what she wants and she’s feeling all smug and cozy again, she’ll probably be right back at it. In fact, the more secure she is, the harder she’ll work to jeopardize it. It’ll take more than three months for this woman to work through why she needs to live in a perpetual state of uncertainty. Do yourself and her a favour and send her back to her corner until she really learns how to play fair. Chances are by then, you’ll have moved on and found a new playmate.