Like clockwork, it seems to happen at about the three-month mark. Things are chuggin' along nicely, sex is fantastic, toothbrushes are confidently left at each other's homes. Perhaps you've even uttered the "L" word. You've most definitely hinted at it with your friends. "I think this is the guy," you've muttered excitedly, but under your breath through slightly clenched teeth as if stating it out loud will somehow jinx it.
Then it happens. Some usually fairly insignificant event bursts your seemingly perfect bubble. For a friend of mine recently it was when her guy took a slightly too-keen interest in a colleague of hers. She was having an "ugly" day and feeling insecure. His comment about this other woman pushed her buttons and started a chain reaction. He freaked. She freaked that he freaked. One of them stormed out. The bubble was burst.
They had now entered what I call "the transition phase" - that awkward, scary and confusing point in a relationship when you have to move it from the "Oh my God, it's so amazing, you should see him breathe, he's so good at it!" phase into the "Oh, my God, am I completely deluding myself? I thought he was different but he's just like the rest of them" phase. Of course, this often dovetails into the "Oh my God, why can't I make a relationship work? What's wrong with me?" self-pity phase.
With almost shocking speed, the wonderfully blissful state of drooly, googly-eyed lust is shattered. The honeymoon's over and it's time to start unpacking the baggage.
This is the phase that makes or breaks it as far as I'm concerned. When you start to explore each other's soft, white underbelly. When you discover you both have needs you may not understand, insecurities you might not like, and you have to sort through the whack of crap you've hauled in with you from all your previous relationships.
One wrong move here can send both parties into a panic and throw the entire relationship into question.
Immediately, my friend is thinking: How can he not understand why his comment would bother me? Am I not beautiful enough? How does he really feel about me? Is he really just a big insensitive lout?
And her guy is thinking, "Oh my God, I can't say anything without her overreacting. She's going to drown me in her needs. I can't give her what she wants."
His reaction makes her feel vulnerable and exposed. She revealed a soft spot and he poked it a little too hard. Did this mean she won't ever allow herself to be vulnerable around him?
And he's just thinking it's all too complicated.
***
This one little comment is now practically deciding the future of the relationship.
That's because it taps into the unknown. The territory beyond the initial public-relations campaign when you're both on your best behaviour. Doubts are triggered. Perceptions thrown into question. You discover that perhaps love actually isn't going to be the only thing that will keep it together. That the relationship is like a fresh sidewalk and if you put both feet in, you might find out this sidewalk doesn't go where you thought it did but it'll be too late because your feet are cemented in.
It was so much easier when both parties could do no wrong, wasn't it?
Now you have to figure out how to talk to each other about the emotional stuff. Get to know each other beyond the "Wow, I like going out for dinner too!" phase. Dislike things about each other. It's hard and scary.
